Anything in italics is my nonsense.
LOS ANGELES — Want to spend eternity next to Marilyn Monroe? Now you can, because the burial spot located just above the ill-fated starlet is going on sale for a cool 500,000 dollars on auction website eBay.
I love pretty much any joke about Marilyn Monroe being the hottest woman in history. It’s pretty much assumed by almost all sane males that you would be willing to trade in anyone for Marilyn Monroe once you got to heaven. A few years ago I was writing in my book about how I would never marry a man like Paul McCartney, who was so obviously still insanely in love with his first wife. I wrote about how I liked to think that when you got to heaven that you would become yourself at your best stage. So here in this world, I was good looking for like a week before my hair started to fall out, but in heaven I would get to hit on Marilyn Monroe at my peak. I still wouldn’t have a chance, but we all like to dream – and that Arthur Miller thing (talented though he was) – always makes us think that maybe we’d have a outside shot at it.
Since then Heather and Paul divorced, probably for exactly that reason (if all three of them were in heaven, Paul would instantly go back to Linda). Also, Larry David concluded a season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, with exactly my scenario. He dies, gets his hair back, and finds out Marilyn is really into Seinfeld. Even odder, was the fact that my original observation about Paul was made referencing the episode of Curb, where Larry David refuses to commit to his wife for all of eternity. My line was something like, “I believe in love as much as anyone, but do you think I’m going to trade the chance to hit on Marilyn Monroe at my peak for some woman I met in Akron after my hair fell out?”
Nevertheless, in real life Marilyn was a total mess, but she was so hot that all smart men feel that with our special love and understanding that we could save her and prove to the world that we’re not with her purely for the fact that no one else in history has ever so oozed of sex.
So if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie both died, Brad – known to be fond of trading up – would immediately hook up with Marilyn. Angelina might even donate him to her.
The tomb in the Westwood Village Memorial Park in Los Angeles is currently occupied by one Richard Poncher, who died 23 years ago aged 81, The Los Angeles Times reported.
But his widow is having his body moved over one spot and auctioning the site above Monroe’s, hoping to earn enough to pay off her 1.6-million-dollar Beverly Hills home.
That bitch! I’m pretty sure that being buried right on top of Marilyn Monroe doesn’t equal satisfaction in the afterlife, but if it does, Richard’s wife here in the present world just screwed him royally. It clearly meant something to this dude that he was going to be buried on top of Monroe, who had been dead for over 20 years by the time he was finally interred there. If she was going to get jealous after all this time, she should have said something when he bought his spot! Can you imagine if Richard has been spending the last 23 years partying with Marilyn, how much of a drag it is going to be to have that suddenly taken away.
“Here is a once in a lifetime and into eternity opportunity to spend your eternal days directly above Marilyn Monroe,” the sale advertisement on the site says. Bidding starts at 500,000 dollars.
Elsie Poncher, who prefers not to give her age but admits she is over 70, told the Times that her husband, a successful business man, bought the crypt from baseball player Joe DiMaggio, Monroe’s ex-husband, in 1954.
Nice job Joe. She was pimped back and forth throughout her entire life by Frank Sinatra and various Kennedys, and Joe follows by pimping her out in the afterlife.
Could you imagine how pissed you would be if your father, in addition to making you care for him during his last 20 or so infirm years on earth, suddenly spent your entire inheritance at the last second on being buried next to Marilyn?
Richard Poncher also bought the spot one space over, which is where Elsie plans to relocate him to open up the crypt above Monroe. For her part, the widower wants to be cremated when she dies.
Being buried close to Monroe has already proved a draw for some, with Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner purchasing a spot to the side of the sex-symbol’s for 75,000 dollars in 1992.
Of course he did, Hugh always knows where the action is. See the thousand other jokes I’ve made in my life about no man ever living a more enjoyable life than Hugh Hefner. (The Hefner/Shakespeare paradox – Would you rather be known forever as the greatest most prolific writer of all time, or instead live Hugh Hefner’s life?) Presently, I’m 80-20 in the Hefner corner on this. When I was younger it was probably a dead heat, but I’ve hit some road bumps since then.
For those who do not have 500,000 dollars to spend on the space at the cemetery, which is also the final resting place for Natalie Wood, Truman Capote and Farrah Fawcett, there is still a free crypt space two spots above Monroe to the left.
Now that’s a party. Marilyn, Natalie, and Farrah – and the only dude to compete with is more interested in you.
The going price for that spot is a mere 250,000
Here’s my final question. If you were Bill Gates wife, and he purchased the spot above Marilyn – how angry would you be? Now that kind of money is like pocket lint for Bill Gates – so money isn’t really the issue – but if I were Mrs. Gates, I’d be furious.
Linda McCartney was cremated and her ashes were scattered, so at least where they would all end up interred was never an issue for Heather and Paul.
As a completely irrelevant aside to all this nonsense. I’m never not amused by the image of Paul and Heather fighting over her wanting to use a bed pan in the middle of the night. I think I’d be the greatest most understanding husband of all time, but if I was Paul McCartney and worth a billion pounds or so, there’s no way in hell that I’d be that understanding.
Update: My aunt says that Elsie is a wonderful woman and I have no reason to disagree