The Cost of My Personal Inconvenience


There is a book called the Black Swan where the author imagines the following situation. You are a Congressman who on September 10, 2001 spurs a bill to be passed making airport security tighter. You would in essence be the man or woman who prevented 9-11 from happening, but sadly instead of going down in history as the incredible hero you would be, everyone would instead curse you for their increased hassles every time they went to the airport.

I just told my friend that I would rather risk a 9-11 every few years in exchange for not having to take my shoes off when I fly. My friend wasn’t insulted, but he did act like there was no way I could be serious about it. Although I did say it facetiously, decisions like that have been made everywhere – people just don’t like to admit it.

It’s like the joke where the misogynist guy asks a girl whether she would have sex with him one time for ten million dollars and if she says yes, tells her that she has just shown herself to be a prostitute merely one with a high asking price. Now, I don’t do that or condone that kind of behavior, but I’m fairly certain every one has heard from that guy at least once in their lives.

But those decisions are made by our Government every day. Picking a speed limit is essentially deciding how many highway deaths you can live with for the right to be able to drive a couple miles faster per hour. If we topped out at 55 MPH, I’m sure a ton of deaths per year could be prevented, but it’s not worth the hassle.

So yeah, I’m saying it – whatever good the world is getting by making me take off my shoes 3 to 6 times a year when I fly isn’t worth it to me. I’d prefer that a couple people got taken out every few years by a shoe bomber.

This probably won’t be the view that makes me an American institution like Will Rogers, but there it is anyway.

Squeezing Mussels Embarrassment

I have to admit that I’ve heard Squeeze’s “Pulling Mussels (from the Shell)” thousands of times without having any idea what it was about or what it was a reference too.

But if it’s in a British song it’s pretty safe to just assume it has something to do with sexual intercourse.

Little Richard National Treasure

I can’t believe that I’ve never seen this before – it is so mind blowingly awesome that I feel honored just to be in its presence.

One of the coolest things I’ve ever read was a commentary on Elvis’ performance in the Million Dollar Quartet recordings. Elvis was talking about how much he loved seeing Jackie Wilson do “Hound Dog” and started imitating Jackie Wilson, which was essentially a white guy singing like a black guy singing like a white guy singing like a black guy.

This clip is Little Richard inducting Otis Redding into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Little Richard never has to do anything to be entertaining than wander the streets – that guy’s life has not been boring a single day and won’t be even after he dies.

But I didn’t know Richard was capable of this. He doesn’t get respect at times because most of his music has him doing a lot of screaming and there is none of that here.

Otis Redding started out recording songs imitating Little Richard 99.9999%. They were great imitations, but eventually Otis’ voice and style of singing changed.

Here is Little Richard imitating Otis Redding who started out his career imitating Little Richard.

He says he hasn’t sung like this in 30 years which makes the fact that his Otis Redding imitation is without a doubt a 1000 on a scale of 1-10!

Damn that plane ride that made him give up Rock and Roll.

Pretty much anyone who saw him live says their was no equal.

Best Commercial Ever

Killed Twice by Jackie Wilson

I was supposed to have a date for the first time since Black Swan came out, but then I sent her the above video and she canceled. Am I the only one crazy enough to think that Dexy’s Midnight Runners doing Van Morrison’s Jackie Wilson Said (I’m in Heaven when You Smile) is incredibly cool and romantic? It’s even from an episode of the genius show of my adolescence “The Young Ones.”

Then I realized that this was the second time I’d been bludgeoned for my interest in Jackie Wilson.

The first date I ever had was in Chicago around 2000 and I invited this girl to a musical about the life of Jackie Wilson. I picked her up in my 65 Mustang. There are plenty of those cars in Los Angeles but in Chicago people were always beeping their horns at me – about half because they dug my car and the other half because I was a terrible driver.

I once had these hispanic kids pull up next to me at a stop light. They told me they loved my car and then they – get this – offered to pass me over a can of beer! It’s a good thing that I don’t really drink because had I been arrested for accepting alcohol in a car at a stop sign by what were in all probability underage drunk drivers, I’m not sure that I would be able to stand the embarrassment

So I take her to this show about Jackie Wilson and we were supposed to get dinner after that. We walk around the block and talk for about 15 minutes and then it turns out to be an amazing show, with great music and dancing. When it ends the audience, which was pretty much 99% African American, all stood up and gave the show a pretty unanimous standing ovation. I was standing up, they were all standing up. She was sitting down.

Afterwards she pretty much asked me to drive her home immediately.

By far the best first date I had from Match was the girl I took to see Glitter. She was cool and we had fun, but I think one of us moved before we had a second date.

Here’s another great life decision that I really screwed up. I had tickets to see Ray Davies and I thought about asking the Glitter Girl to it, but there was this other girl I thought I liked better and asked her. She was into John Cusack movies and had a fuzzy profile picture that seemed to be taken from a distance.

She turned out to be a really overweight girl, which I suppose shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but I think that she saw my shock at her appearance and turned out to be super angry. She insulted my car – “I hate people who care about cars. I’m happy driving a used Toyota and anyone who has a better car than that is a loser”. It was like an anti-date. She was exactly the opposite of the personality in her emails.

I did my best to be nice to her and have a decent night, but with the way she acted you could have transplanted her brain into Natalie Portman’s body and I wouldn’t have been attracted to her at all. Maybe she had been through this type of event dozens of times, which I can understand would be a real drag, but I swear I was really nice to her. Well, aside from spending the entire concert wishing that I had asked the Glitter Girl.

Wonder what happened to the Glitter Girl. I hope she is well.

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