2001 was a weird year for me. I moved there to do bankruptcy arbitrage for a friend of mine. Unfortunately, his main holding was a company that went bankrupt about a week after I got there.

I thought I was cool enough to bring my 1965 Mustang. People were honking at me all summer, which always freaked me out because being a terrible driver there was a 50-50 chance they were beeping a thumbs up for my car or a thumbs down on my driving. Once a carfull of Hispanic gentlemen told me they loved my car at a stoplight. “Hey man, cool car do you want a beer?” I turned the beer down politely and smiled.

I had a weird run of internet dates at that time.

I took the first girl to a musical tribute to the life of Jackie Wilson. It was an incredible show – we were almost the only white people attending that night, and I thought I was way hip to be there. Then I realized that she didn’t feel the same way. The show was fantastic with tons of great music and dancing. At the end it got a standing ovation from everybody but my date. The lights came on and she was the only one sitting down and not clapping in the entire theater.

We had talked about grabbing dinner after the early show, but she pretty much wanted to be home and rid of me as quickly as possible.
I took another girl to see Glitter, which actually went over way better than the Jackie Wilson show. We went to a coffee place after and I had a good time.

I was pretty close to moving back to Los Angeles, but I had tickets to see Ray Davies. I should have taken the Glitter girl, but I was really looking forward to taking a different girl, whose correspondences seemed cool. Her online profile was a really fuzzy picture that had been taken from a distance.
The girl turned out to be just gigantic. I feel bad because I have a feeling that my degree of shock at first seeing her immediately ruined her attitude. She was cranky as hell and told me that she’d rather have a used Toyota than a classic 60’s car. It was a disaster and not taking the Glitter girl is still one of the greatest regrets in my life.

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We regret to inform you that all trading in Charlie Sheen Death Pool securities has been halted.

Charlie Sheen is mad. Charlie Sheen just went on the counter offensive – I’d compare it to a blitzkrieg middle finger to anyone that doesn’t agree that the key to life’s happiness is hookers and blow. Charlie Sheen laughs at how mellow Keith Richards has lived his life. First he went to the radio and showed himself to be completely insane – although likely a happier one than anyone wants to admit. Then he attacked the producer of his show for calling it a season. Extra Points for the anti-Semitic rant on Chuck Lorre’s real name, which takes balls since his real name is really Estevez and not Sheen.

They wanted Charlie Sheen to go to rehab and he said “no no no”!

And yet since Charlie is worth billions to the entertainment industry, he really still holds all the cards.

Charlie did rehab at home on an off day. Bing: I’m clean! Now bring me some porn stars.

At this moment Charlie has been sober for 57 seconds, but he does seem to be reaching for a bottle of Scotch.

Charlie is trying to live harder than any man ever has. He fully seems to believe that you’re born and you start living that life like you were on fire and desperate for as much debauchery as humanly possible.

Jim Morrison, Charlie Parker, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis – those pussies. Charlie Sheen has out lived them all by doing everything that they did but in bigger and more amazing fashion.

One thing that Sheen has that those other casualties failed at is this – He’s the biggest star on TV and outrageously still earning tons of money.

Charlie Sheen is lost weekending his entire life. Hunter S. Thompson and William Burroughs seem to be the only men that Sheen has yet to outlive.

Charlie Sheen has been on fire for at least 20 years now and clearly has zero interest in slowing down.

Charlie Sheen thinks that Hugh Hefner lived his life too virginally.

A little acting a lot of vagina and coke, Charlie is living up to Jim Morrison’s credo “I’m gonna get my kicks before the whole shit house goes up in flames!”

Charlie is out Keith Mooning Keith Moon. Charlie is Sheen is 45 and not slowing down. It’s Sheen vs. the death pool and so far Sheen is still winning.

Hell, I’d pay 100 bucks to see a Charlie Sheen documentary. Charlie Sheen is what Joaquin Phoenix only pretended to be. Where’s Sheen’s mockumentary?

Charlie – I wish you good luck, but please curb the Anti-Semitism and please, please stop treating your women violently. If you stop having wives and kids and restrict yourself to every porn actress in Chatsworth, may God’s grace be with you son!

Every publication in the world currently has a Charlie Seen obituary researched and ready to go at any moments notice!

Charlie Sheen is fighting the law and he seems to be winning!

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We didn’t have shuffle in my day. When you wanted to shuffle a vinyl LP, you’d have to drop a really heavy book on the floor.

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I’m pretty sure I have accepted thousands and thousands of pages of Apple documents without reading a single word. Something tells me that soon we will all be Steve Jobs’ slaves. He’ll say, “Look you sold your soul hundreds of times – I have the documents!” And I’ll be doing hard labor for the rest of my life thinking, “Damn I just wanted my iTunes to work properly.”

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I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea about 15 years ago. Even after surgery to remove my tonsils and soft palette, I would still stop breathing 60 to 70 times an hour, which meant that no matter how much sleep I got I would still feel somewhat exhausted every single day of my life.

The only thing the medical community has come up with for Apnea suffers has been the CPAP, which stands for a bunch of stuff that I don’t presently feel like looking up. People would routinely claim that the CPAP had made them into a completely new person. Unfortunately, insomniac that I am, I could never fall asleep with this ridiculous head gear that blew continuous air down into my nostrils. I tried thousands of times to fall asleep with that crap on my face – all unsuccessful.

The doctors alternative to CPAP – basically telling you that you are fucked. There is no current alternative for apnea other than constantly being completely exhausted.

I just got this new mask though and finally after 15 years of being “non-compliant” I have finally started to fall asleep with it. Supposedly, my life is now about to be changed forever for the better. I’ve always claimed that if I could sleep I would be running the world. Now I may actually have to start doing it.

Note: Non Compliant is what they call you if you can’t fall asleep with the CPAP on. I always felt that was a really disrespectful thing to be called. I wasn’t rebelling against the CPAP, I just couldn’t fall asleep with it. Don’t call me non-compliant! I’m just messed up.

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