Born at exactly the wrong time


Hello. Can I have my adolescence back? Please, no seriously I’m begging. I went to high school and college from 1980-1988. Gee, that  era sounds familiar, hey, isn’t that basically the Ronald Reagan era? You’re goddamn right it was and I want a refund. Can I be arrested for saying that I wish John Hinckley’s aim had been just a little bit better? Was there ever a worse time in American History to be young since the Eisenhower Administration? Hmm, let’s see:

60’s: Great Rock music, tons of drugs, women would seemingly have sex with anyone they meet on the street.
70’s: Even more drugs, women would seemingly have sex with anyone they meet on the street.
80’s: Aids, the PMRC, “Just Say No to Drugs,” women would seemingly never have sex with anyone again, unless you would sponsor their campaign against freedom of speech.
90’s: Bill Clinton says that oral sex is not sex leading high school girls to seemingly give oral favors to anyone they meet in school regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl..
00’s: College girls apparently are always drunk and easily convinced to take their tops off for any guy they meet on the street.


I’m guessing some people had sex in the 80’s, but it sure as hell wasn’t me! How did this happen to me? It’s just not fair. Then the second I fill out and start to grow into my looks, my hair starts to fall out! I was good looking for like a day and a half. Can anyone tell why I don’t believe in God? Sure, there have been worse atrocities in the world like the holocaust to make one question the existence of God, but seriously I got screwed. Actually, strike that I didn’t and that’s the problem.

I graduated from High School in 1984. If you haven’t read George Orwell’s 1984, maybe you better read that first, because things are getting ugly around here these days.

Ronald Reagan and Ray Charles both died on almost the same day, and it was like a poll of the nation, because as for as I’m concerned you aren’t allowed to like them both. The most brilliant sketch in the history of Saturday Night Live starred Phil Hartman as Reagan. In it Reagan is an evil super genius, who pretends to be a doddering fool whenever the press or Jimmy Stewart is around, but in reality he speaks 18 languages, never sleeps and is busy engineering his takeover of the world.

Weird thing is that the people who worship Dutch do so for supposedly uniting the Nation. Has there ever been a more divisive character in World History? If you did an exit poll on the 2000 election asking how best to describe Reagan, they would be counting chads between the Adolph Hitler and the Jesus Christ votes, with Can’t Decide being pretty close to the Nadar vote. How do I feel, really? I won’t say right out, but stop for a second and imagine how much more effective Ronald was. I mean if Hitler were going to be reborn and start a comeback wouldn’t it be much more effective to do so by Being John Malkovich-ing into the body of a kind, spirited, humble, good looking actor? Ronald Reagan in King’s Row – so, so. Ronald Reagan, the first and scariest reality show – Oscar worthy. I can’t remember who won best actor for those 8 years, but they should be thanking the Academy that Ron was never nominated.

Want proof that it’s true? This is when I knew it was over; that this man was making the entire nation dance for him like he was Yosemite Sam shooting bullets at their feet. I watched a Reagan Press Conference in High School. Before Reagan comes out, Sam Donaldson or somebody with equally bad hair points out that just about every reporter in the audience is wearing either a RED dress or a RED tie because that is Nancy Reagan’s favorite color and Ron tends to only call on people wearing RED.

So Reagan comes out and the first thing he says is, “Oh my, Nancy would be so mad if the first person I called on wasn’t that woman in the lovely RED dress.” He might have well have yelled “Dance Monkeys Dance!”

The man is so evil and in control of our free press that he decides what color they wear to speak to him and then openly mocks them about it! Satan’s favorite color was RED too, by the way. My youth never had a chance. 

One Response to “Born at exactly the wrong time”

  1. I got laid like crazy in the 80’s. Sure, the music sucked, but the parties were fun.

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