Fun with Mike “The Mouth” Matusow


It didn’t take long. Upon being dealt his first hand, Mike Matusow looked at his cards and screamed “This is Bullshit. I’m not even kidding, I’m serious.” No, the mouth wasn’t dealt rags, he was enraged at the cards being used at this year’s World Series of Poker. The cards are identified in the corners by tiny numbers, and the overall consensus among the participants was that they were impossible to read.

Upon hearing about Matusow’s tirade, Daniel Negreanu commented. “I told him two weeks ago that the cards sucked.”

Matusow: Hey TJ, aren’t you on the Players Advisory Committee?”
TJ Cloutier: We didn’t vote on these cards

Rather than give Matusow a penalty officials soon assured Mike that the cards would likely soon be changed causing Matusow to ponder that huge crates of the new cards would soon be being used “for people to wipe their asses with.”

Matusow: Why do we put up with this? They are raking the crap out of us and making millions and we put up with this bullshit. We should boycott!

“I want to play every one of these internet superstars when they try one of those Facockta moves on me and I look right into their eyes and put the fear of God into them. We’ll see what they do when I pop them 30,000 and they can’t just click a button and run away.”

“I can’t even think about life without gambling. The only time I’m not gambling is when I’m sleeping.”

“Everyone goes on a bad run. Sometimes it takes ten years, but everyone goes on a bad run that they could never have imagined.”

“I don’t care whether you are a genius. If you were playing in my online account you’d be down money, maybe not as much as me but you’d still be down.”

Forrest Lays Down the Matusow Gauntlet

Ted Forrest has put his money where Mike Matusow’s mouth is. Forrest has given Mike one year to become 56 pounds slimmer. At stake – $100,000. Let’s hope Ted’s not trying to cash in and is just concerned for the jovial Mike’s health. Mike is currently 237 pounds and must be down to 181 on June 3, 2008.

In other rumors, Mike may have some help losing that weight. Word is going around that The Mouth is considering trying to channel Emmitt Smith by going on Dancing with the Stars. It sounds so absurd, it must be true.

Mike isn’t sure if Dancing with the Stars is still interested in him, but he’d definitely love to give it a go. “Are you kidding, I’d do it in a second, it would be the funniest thing ever. I guarantee there would be 20 million poker players watching it every week I was still on.”

In other Mike news, he just called Erick Lindgren “the most degenerate gambler ever” at his Horse table.

Maybe Mike’s luck really does stink. Having complained recently about how he never hits a set. Mike’s pocket 3’s hit when Q38 flopped. Unfortunately another player had flopped a set of 8’s. Unfortunately for that player, yet another player had pocket Queens. Of course, Phil Hellmuth would have folded his 3’s and yelled, “I can dodge nuclear bombs, baby!”

Mike Matusow: Ladies and Gentleman, the funniest man in America, Phil Hellmuth.

One of the surprising things that I have learned at this years World Series is that ESPN and other networks don’t have to edit very much to find entertaining content from Phil and Mike, they are literally talking constantly and railing them is by far the best seat at this series you can get without actually competing.

Here’s what you can expect.

Hellmuth: Expect to hear numerous times about his ten bracelets (he then won his 11th). He will tell also tell you many, many  times that he has been playing as tight as a rock all day. If you catch him bluffing, he will claim that it was his first bluff of the entire tournament and that you are a stone cold idiot for taking him on. If he has a strong hand and you call him with anything less than Aces, you will be severely chastised for your poker incompetence. Thus, Hellmuth’s tirade in event one when someone had the gall to call his raise with Jacks holding only Queens. Basically, as Phil says if luck weren’t involved he’d win every time.

Matusow: Matusow gives you much more variety for your time. He’ll tell you constantly how unlucky he’s been. He hasn’t won a coin flip since the First World War. He never hits a set. He loses millions betting football. God would be down money if he’d been dealt cards on Mike’s Full Tilt account.

Sometimes you’ll get something as random as an unpaid endorsement of VitaminWater. Mike says it keeps you fresh all day.

Poker phenom Jeff Madsen’s mother has been making waves as perhaps the third funniest wit at the series after mssrs Hellmuth and Matusow.

Apparently agreeing with Daniel Negreanu on the slow structure of the Horse event, Jeff’s mom described the action as “like watching paint dry.”

Needing something to do, she wandered over and started heckling Huck Seed. “I want to know about your family. Who names their son Huckleberry?”

No word on what mom thinks of the name “Trishelle.”

During the final table of the $5,000 Pot Limit Hold’em event Keith Lehr had a response to the jovial Humbero Brenes, his ever present toy shark, and his penchant for musically moving all in. Moving over the top of Brenes for all his chips, Lehr took out his FAKE EYE and set it down next to Brenes’ shark. Brenes folded and so would have every sane man on the planet.

Discussion Area - Leave a Comment