I Want to be a Corporate Spy


How do you get one of those jobs where you lurk in chat rooms pretending to be a 12 year old fishing for pedophiles? I think that would be an interesting job, plus I could feel like I was taking scum off of the earth, and that would make me sort of like a superhero.

They probably have to watch that show Hannah Montana and stuff like that to keep up with trends, but I would be willing to do that. Their offices must have copies of Tiger Beat and Jane lying out in the lobby like financial places have the Wall Street Journal. I wonder if some of those guys will wind up being lured into becoming pedophiles by the real 12 year olds.

It would probably be easier and more entertaining to be a corporate spy. Someone who gets to read through other people’s email and instant messages looking for nasty stuff and indications that employees are stealing pens or planning a coup d’etat. I’d have all the good gossip in the firm. I could probably profitably blackmail a lot of people. Somehow even listening to a boring conversation is fun if you’re the only one who knows that you are listening. Searching for inappropriate stuff on other people’s computer would never get boring as long as you found something creepy every once in a while.

There he is Brad Laidman. He intervened and stopped that Congressman from hooking up with one of his pages after diligently monitoring their x rated chats for six months. We all owe him a huge debt of gratitude. Maybe there would be bounties on getting dirt on major controversial celebrities. I bet most of the people would be trying to get the big fish like Rosie O’Donnell and Barney Frank. I’d go for the smaller fish because there would be less competition, plus the more public you are the less time you have for truly entertaining shenanigans. I could have saved Chandra Levy’s life. I can’t imagine there would be much of a bounty on Ted Kennedy. People would like to take him down, but he could make a porn movie for Larry Flynt and still get re-elected. Car sex scene; Bridge sex scene; underwater sex scene. Larry would probably go eight figures.

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