It’s So Not True What They Say about Clark Kent

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Superman “is probably the most heterosexual character in any movie I’ve ever made,” said Bryan Singer, director of “Superman Returns,” a new movie about the crime-fighting superhero that opens June 28. “I don’t think he’s ever been gay.”

Here’s a lead that won’t get me on the New York Times Op-Ed Page. Are you fucking kidding me?? Will someone shake that dude and tell him it’s just a fucking comic book? Hell, I wrote a novel about the character filled with existential angst and I know that. Fine X-Men was a parable about the modern holocaust and Magneto and Professor X are Malcolm X and Martin Luthor King. I never thought I’d be the person to say it but Jesus let it go. If you didn’t want the advocate dishing about Supes sexuality, maybe you shouldn’t have made the dude’s package so evident.

I know. No one likes people to fuck with Superman – he is after all our foremost symbol of Truth, Justice and the AMERICAN WAY – I just thank the stars that Jor-El didn’t fuck up and land that spaceship in Moscow.

It’s just unreal – everyone has their panties in a bunch over this movie. Is he Jesus? Is he Jewish? Is he more attracted to Lex Luthor than he is to Lois Lane?

And you want to know why everyone wants to fuck with the legend? Because if you don’t fuck with it, he’s the most sterile boring character in the history of fiction – four color or otherwise.

I’m guessing when Shakespeare or Fitzgerald or whatever respectable hack you dig reading tried to think up a character, they didn’t consider making him perfect. You know because that would be really really boring.

See Superman is the American Way. We’re frontrunners. We think we’re perfect, we always think we have the higher moral ground, and we prefer that when our superiority is contested that it go down like Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan when they stomped all over those poor Angolan motherfuckers.

The first Superman comic was bad enough. The guy was invincable, he could jump really really high, and he could type faster than a laser printer. After about a year or so, dude was flying, he was freezing lakes with his breath, he was time traveling, heat rays were shooting out of his eyes, and he could see through everything but lead, but was too nice of a guy to really take advantage of it.

Please, no one but a Yankee fan digs Superman. Look at Spider-man. He’s a nerd, he has money problems, his gig is messing up his sex life. Supes biggest problem was not offending anyone by missing the parades they had for him every week. How entertaining can you really be if your idea of a good time is hanging out alone at the fucking North Pole?

Dude was so unbeatable, that they had to make shit up to challenge him. Red Kryptonite, Green Kryptonite, Yellow Kryptonite. Mysterious magical creatures from another dimension. Hey, let’s give him a hot girl cousin. How about a dog! His own little mini planet in a bottle to play with! Yawn. You know by 1962 writers were begging DC for the chance to see what happened if he went down on a guy.

Hey, let’s have him team up with Batman. Seriously, isn’t that sort of like Truman dropping both an atom bomb and a really big rock on Hiroshima at the same time?

Really if ever there has been a character in need of experimentation it is this motherfucker. The character is literally completely of no interest unless the writer stuck with him fucks with the legend big time.

Why does he fight crime? Why is he good? Why is he never tempted? Why doesn’t play for the Cowboys and shag all 20 cheerleaders after the game downing bottle after bottle of Cristal? Isn’t he pissed that Lois Lane and Jimmy Olson can’t go thirty minutes without ending up in a life threatening crisis? If you have super powers – are you then required by ethical purity to spend every second of your fucking life stopping murders, fixing flat tires, getting cat’s out of trees? Where does it fucking end?

The cruelest and best interpretation of Superman was put to page and ink by Frank Miller in The Dark Knight Returns. Superman is nothing but a really fancy weapon yielded by the President of the United States. He’s the ultimate good soldier with zero veto power. Our enemies our his enemies. Because after all to us Truth, Justice and the American Way is redundant. God help us if some backwoods moron gets elected president because that dude has the world greatest storm trooper in Superman.

Because really, Superman has no reason to love America. He has no reason to love humans. Human’s are imperfect and Superman isn’t. If he really existed, and was really all he’s been written to be – really what could we be to him but insects or pets. If Superman, really existed he’d either have to rule the world like the God he is, or he’d go apeshit from his inability to relate. He’d make the earth spin backwards. Only this time, Lois wouldn’t come back to life, we’d all fly into space like the detritus we are, and Superman would be off searching for real intelligent life in the Universe.

Now go back to trying to figure out why no one can recognize him when he acts wimpy and wears glasses and whether or not Lois has been the longest running beard in entertainment history.

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