Jennifer Brunner for Senate – Pander Translated By Keith Crime


I’m sure this woman is very nice and hard working, but she keeps sending me emails and I never asked her to and I don’t even vote in Ohio anymore – although I guess I could lie and vote absentee. I always just vote straight Democrat anyway and she’s a Democrat. Frankly, I still thought that John Glenn and Howard Metzenbaum were Ohio’s Senators.

Nevertheless, I hate just about all politicians and their mealy mouthed, go with the flow rhetoric.  So from now on, anyone that sends me a political email I will be analyzing it when I’m in a bad mood.

And of course that’s a picture of Jennifer Aniston not the politician. Why isn’t my email address on Jennifer Aniston’s mailing list? Jen, if youre out there, I am willing to be spammed by you!!

From: Jennifer Brunner for Ohio US Senate

Even though it’s been eight years, it’s important that we never forget what happened on September 11, 2001. 

9/11 is the ultimate political issue. Who’s against being against 9/11? Both Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh are against 9/11. Hi, I’m Jennifer Brunner and I am against innocent people being incinerated at work. I take the tough stands and never pander. If we forget about 9/11, the terrorists win. Then again, if we forget about 9/11 none of us will realize that they won, but nevertheless, it’s still bad.

So many of us can remember exactly what we were doing when we heard the first news of the tragic events of that day.

I was out getting my feet soaked at my local Thai nail salon. I immediately ran to have my people let me know whether I had been soft on terror in any of my previous speeches. My assistant scared me to death when he told me that I had once said that “Osama was a credit to his race.” Luckily, after replaying the clip over and over again, we realized that I had said, “Obama.” Phew! Did I mention that I’m shedding a tear for 9/11 right now?

So many of us have some connection with someone who was in New York City, Washington, DC, or Pennsylvania on that day, and we can never forget.

Please, if you have any relatives in those three cities, they would want you to vote for me too.

From that day forward, as we began to recover and regroup from events that shook our sense of national well-being, we entered into a period of war that was fought on two fronts–Afghanistan and Iraq.

I’m guessing that she is about to be in support of the troops.

As we continue to wind down the efforts in Iraq, our national focus has more squarely shifted to the war in Afghanistan. 

It’s a gnarly place. Did you see Rambo III? Everyone gets their ass kicked in Afghanistan eventually.

At home and abroad we have searched for an antidote to the terrorism that squarely changed the face of American life as we knew it.

Did I mention that I was against Americans dying from terrorism?

While history may point out mistakes we made along the way in some of our national policies to address the events of that time, we will never forget the uniquely American heroism displayed by so many in the fight.

I’m not going to come right out here and say I was against the war, but I’d like to imply that I’m against torture when it’s done to the wrong people, but I in no way want you to not think that I’m a huge Patriot! If History points out, that the war was a mess, well you know what I really meant. Don’t worry, eventually they’ll dig up all that Bush stuff like they did the Nixon stuff, and you’ll know that I was against all that bad stuff, yet still supportive and sympathetic to our brave troops out there. 

Those fire fighters, police officers and civilian heroes who selflessly worked to free so many from the wreckage, sacrificed their lives in duty to their communities and their country. 

I’m pro-firefighter and I’m against them dying, but I do like totally appreciate it. Isn’t it neat that like Paul McCartney was so pro-firefighter? Who knew? Go America!!!

Those left behind have shown a new kind of heroism, carrying on without their beloved husbands or wives, mothers or dads, sisters or brothers, granparents, or aunts or uncles. 

Did I get everybody there? Should I mention that I feel for those that lost cousins or in-laws or second cousins or people who have the same last name as you? I’m against all of them dying, but at the same time, I want you to know that I totally appreciate that they made the ultimate sacrifice. I’m also like totally glad that my husband and I made enough money to keep our kids far, far away from those military recruiters. Military recruiters never hang out in private schools. Well, the military academys they do, but in general you know what I’m saying. 

And they have triumphed over this tragedy by rebuilding their lives and families.

Well, except for those of you who lost your jobs, or lost a ton of dough in the market, or had your houses foreclosed on or were stupid enough to be working for a car company. Nevertheless, you never give up do you and I’m behind you 100%

As Americans, we have been tested and have proved ourselves a compassionate, generous and determined people, resolute in our efforts to repair what at the time seemed like hopeless damage to our families, our lives and our communities. 

Americans rule, and I’m not ashamed to say it! Were all like resilient little baby Jesuses! 

As a people we became resolute in our efforts to never again allow terrorism to succeed in the U.S., and we continue that fight even today.

Did I mention that I was 100% against terrorism? Jen Brunner, I take the hard stands. If ever there is a Senate vote on legalizing terrorism, I can assure you that I will be against it. Well, until we need to support some freedom fighters in their battle to unseat Hugo Chavez at least. 

We now find ourselves at a time in our history when many are examining our resolve as a nation to continue the fight begun with Operation Enduring Freedom on October 7, 2001 in Afghanistan. 

I want to know who made the decision to give our wars creepy Orwellian Names. Was it Ronald Reagan? How can you possibly be against Enduring Freedom you god damned Socialist! Oops, those Godless heathens. We’re trying to give them enduring freedom and they keep shooting at us. 

In these times where domestic resources are stretched, health care costs are skyrocketing and many find themselves jobless or in peril of losing their pensions, the search for social and economic justice is an especially difficult quest.

I’m against all of that bad stuff! I have no idea how to pay for our search for social and economic justice, but I’m for it. Vote for me and I will even try to pass a bill sending you a free carton of Ice Cream!  And you can bet your life on it being made in America.

May we always honor those who have served, given their health, their lives and their beloved family members in their patriotic duty of service to their communities and their country.

I’m a Patriot! Patriot’s rule. Whether I’m for or against the Patriot Act, well, we’ll have to wait for that pointing out of mistakes by history to figure that out, but I swear that I’m against any imposition on your human liberties, but I’m not weak on national security. I love all my American brethren and I want to keep you safe, free, wealthy, and voting for me. Yay, Americans. 

And may we honor them with peaceful and generous kindness, understanding and compassion toward one another. 

Ok now I sort of feel like a jerk. I want it known that I (brad) am also in favor of peace, kindness, understanding, and compassion. Well, unless we need to go to another country and kick some ass. In that case, I’m for us winning too. I’m so in favor of us winning, I’ve bet $10,000 on us on the Iraq/Afghanistan parley. You know who took the other side – terrorists!

And, always, may God bless America.

Hell, yeah and you GOPers thought we were Godless. I’m for God blessing us. Wouldn’t it be so cool!

Jennifer Brunner
Ohio Secretary of State and
Candidate for U.S. Senate (D-Ohio)

Is the Ohio Secretary of State allowed to order a bombing on like Illinois or Pennsylvania, because that would be cool.

Ok, I Brad Laidman do hereby endorse Jennifer Brunner for whatever the hell she is running for, because she got my email address and she is against a lot of bad stuff and for a lot of good stuff. She feels my pain and wants to soothe it. Oh, and she’s against 9/11 and all my friends and family are too.

Would this be a bad way to try and get a speech writing gig with her? Because hell I could do that job, I’ve produced ten times that much blithering nonsense on just about every essay test I ever took.  

I’m Brad Laidman and I approve this ad!

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