Last Week’s House for Aunt Sharon

House – Brave Heart

The beginning of House is always sort of a TV show in and of itself. It’s like you’re watching another show. Until of course something happens and someone starts to die. I’d sort of like there to be a surprise episode of House, where no one ever gets sick or injured. You know just take a re-run of Hawaii 5-0 and change the opening to House’s opening. This week on House nobody got sick and Wilson and House took a gay cruise to Honolulu.

I’d also like to see House have special guest stars that are actually characters from other TV shows. You see Herman Munster accidentally step on Marilyn, and then the rest of the show would be House dealing with the Munster Family. It would be like one of those mash-ups that are so popular on Glee.

Lily: Are you sure Marilyn has had her brains bashed in?

House: Well, her head looks like a watermelon after a Gallagher show – so I’m going to guess that it isn’t a virus.

Herman: Gee, Grandpa. I know Marilyn may die, but I’ve never seen her look so ravishing.

House: Forman, Chase – go break into their homes and tell me what you find.

Cut to Forman and Chase at the Munster’s

Chase: A freaking dragon I swear to god!

Foreman, his eyes bugging out: They don’t pay me enough for this shit!

The Brady Bunch/House Mash-up

House: Look Mike – I implore you to be honest about your family’s medical history. We’ve taken DNA samples from all of the kids and noticed that none of them were created by both you and your wife Carol.

The Brady Theme plays. Mike shows House their wedding picture and explains the back story.

House: How do you explain both of you each having three kids and a dead spouse? You look 18 and she looks 16. Were you two like spouse killers who were intending on killing each other for the money, but fell in love and decided not to? Do you know what the probability against each of you having exactly three kids of the opposite sex and hair color is?

Carol: I’m sorry to bother you Mr. House, but Marsha has just gone into a seizure

Jan: Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!

Who didn’t see that ending that way?

Anyway, if I were NBC, I’d be doing mash-ups at 10 instead of Jay Leno. Jay may be cheap, but I bet they could splice together an ER and a Bonanza for less than a thousand bucks a night. How come I’m not running a major network?

Nice, we’re a page in and we haven’t even started yet.

This week we appear to be watching a Starsky and Hutch re-run. Two policemen are chasing a perp (I love that word) down an alley with a lot of abandoned used tires in it.

One policeman is kind of a young Ray Liotta sort. His partner is dragging behind and is sort of like a young James Gandalfini. Apparently, his partner smokes because he looks like I do every time I run 30 yards these days. He says, “I’m gonna have a heart attack!”

See this is one of those clever well written TV show uses of irony. In reality, it will be his partner, who will have a heart condition. House is always doing that because they know that the most fun part of the openings is guessing who is going to be dying. There was an episode in the first season that I just watched that had a teen couple in the throes of passion. I was so rooting for the girl to be the sick one, but no!!! (TM – John Belushi)  … blood came spewing out of him instead.

Whoaaaaaaa! The perp is one of those Monkey men like in that James Bond movie, Casino Royale. He’s jumping through windows that are only half open.  He’s hurdling random wreckage with double somersaults thrown in as if he were bragging about how easy it’s gonna be to escape these two cops.

I say if you can run away this good, they should leave you alone. Go arrest some fat guys at AIG for a change.

This is absurd. The two cops are still right behind him. In real life, this dude is in another zip code by the time the cops fall over those empty crates and say, “This shit ain’t worth it.” Both cops are white or I’d have written “I’m too old for this shit.”

Instead they say something like “What the hell are we chasing?”

“I don’t know that shit ain’t human. Let’s bugger out and get some doughnuts.”Monkey man flies through another half closed window. He hurdles a police car.

OK, they’ve got the monkey man cornered — and he of course starts climbing up the wall like a ….monkey!

Now a chase up some stairs and finally the young Gandolfini has had enough. Ray Liotta, though, is still hot in pursuit.

As Liotta reaches the roof, he sees that the monkey man has jumped over a really wide alley onto another building. The monkey man looks over at Ray and sort of tips his black mask/hat. I picture him saying in a French accent “You give good chase, but the monkey man – he is nevvvvvverrrr caught!”

Ray appears to be sort of a hot head. He’s not giving up. He takes a running start and ….. seems to have fallen to his death. Wow, that was really bad. I mean usually you can tell whether you can jump over something or not, but this guy just didn’t even come close. No clutching for the other roof with his outstretched hands, he just immediately starts falling sort of like Keanu Reeves did in the first Matrix.

The perp escapes thinking “Oh no I will be blamed for murder. That’s ok because I vill never be caught! – I am … Ze Monkey Man!”

Wait a second Ray Liotta is still breathing. This guy doesn’t have a disease. He fell off a building. They don’t need House to figure that out. They just need someone to sweep up all the blood.

House: Damnit Cuddy, the guy who cleans the toilets around here could tell you that this man fell off of a building. I was right in the middle of General Hospital!”

Cue the House music – and by that I mean the theme not the really repetitive music at raves.

Cameron is admitting young Ray – he has like as much damage as you could possibly have after running off a building, but not dying.

Gandalfini accuses him of having a Death Wish.

Cameron asks him if he has any suicidal thoughts.

If this role had been played by Andrew “Dice” Clay he would have said, “Not once you sit on my lap. Whoooaahh!!!”

Thankfully, it isn’t.  But since we’ve hit Gallagher and Dice – let’s see if I can work in a Carrot Top reference later in the episode.

Here’s the story. All the males in this guy’s family drop dead at 40 years old. He’s got this going back at least three generations. Mickey Mantle had to deal with the same thing. He dealt with it by drinking a lot. When he passed 40, he started drinking even more wondering why he wasn’t dead. Eventually, he gets a new liver – and ironically that’s what killed him.

Ray has seen 15,000 cardiologists and they are all stumped.

Cameron says, “Haven’t you seen this show? House is in the house! Chances are good you’ll be better in like 40 minutes and ten of those are commercials!”

House is sleeping on Wilson’s couch.

Wilson walks by and thinks that he has caught House masturbating.

He is revolted.

C’mon out of the closet Wilson!

If this were a Penthouse letter – Wilson would ask House sexily “can I help you out there.”

House says that he was picking lint out of his bellybutton. Yeah mom, that’s what I was doing too!

Apparently House wants to sleep in the room that actually has a bed in it, but Wilson has made a shrine to his ex-girlfriend in there. Aren’t guys whose true loves die lucky? They’re never called stalkers. People see them as romantic? It’s way better than just having her leave you and marry someone else.

House admits that he was indeed masturbating. Was House was finally coming on to Wilson? Wilson is now doubly revolted – or at least trying to appear that way to avoid being seen as a Fag (no offense meant to anyone comfortable enough with their sexuality not to bash an eye at catching your roommate masturbating). C’mon Robert, in Dead Poets Society you killed yourself because you loved theater so much – and we’re supposed to think that you are straight?

House and his staff banter medically. Cameron is accused of being too sympathetic to the patients. Foreman is very serious. Chase just sits there and looks pretty. You know … what they always do.

The cop is so sure he’s going to kick at 40 that he’s never married or had kids. In the old days, the not getting married part would preclude the second part, but eventually tonight we’ll remember what decade it is.

House comments on how hot Cameron’s ass is. Being irreplaceable is awesome isn’t it? – see David Letterman.

House has probably been to so many sexual harassment lectures that he could give them at this point.

They mention a hundred diseases that he could have and House shoots them all down. They could all be speaking Farsi and I wouldn’t know the difference.

They eventually decide on some procedure that won’t work because the episode has just started.  House is wrong so many times on the main cases that they make him see other patients and figure out their maladys without even talking to them so we never forget that he’s the greatest doctor of all time.

House makes Marcus Welby look like a country bumpkin. — See another mash up possibility – In a very special House, House teems with Marcus Welby (shouldn’t it be spelled Well-by?), Trapper John, and the guy who fixed up Steve Austin, the six million dollar man – to figure out exactly how far six million dollars can go in 2009.

Typical TV trick – that show will be remade into a movie or a new TV show as the Six Billion Dollar Man. Book it – they’re doing the A Team – they remade Knight Rider – they’re fucking desperate

Ok, now I didn’t mention this earlier, but Ray Liotta has all this blood smeared all over his face. In fact, I was like – how come a nurse isn’t sponge bathing that off of him as we speak? It was so Chase can see him and have a flashback to making blood spurt out of James Earl Jones’ mouth two weeks ago. How come Darth Vader never had blood spurt out of his mouth? That would have been cool (TM – Butthead).

House and Cuddy spar. Sexual sparks would be flying, but I’ve never been able to be attracted to Lisa Edelstein after she played a woman with a penis on Ally McBeal.

This is of course an excuse for them to do some Sam/Diane sexual banter and as usual for some reason she is telling House that he has to see real patients for like 100 hours and not just the super hard cases.

If House were a baseball player, he would get to have a worse team attitude than Barry Bonds, but thanks to medical regulations he is constantly being hassled. They want to let Roman Polanksi off for child rape, because he’s an artist, but House (the Beethoven of doctors) is hassled about 80% of his day. It’s just not right.

House suggests that if Cuddy were a real friend that she’d just perform perjury and get the government off his back. I’d do it. Fuck the red tape – people are dying here!

Yuck, they’ve dug up the previous three generations of Ray’s family. Three skeletons in the lab! I’m guessing that House made Foreman and Chase dig them up themselves and without anyone’s permission.

Foreman and Chase talk some medical gibberish as Foreman hints that Chase still isn’t over murdering James Earl Jones.

Foreman tells Chase that he should talk to his wife about his existing shame spiral. I sort of think that Cameron would be the kind of woman to change her last name when she got married to Chase, but that would fuck up the show because then you’d never know which Chase was being addressed.

Average usage of a first name in a typical House episode: About once a show I think, but it could be any of them. House, Wilson, Chase, Cameron, Foreman, Cuddy.  If they were really our friends, we’d call them Greg, James, Robert, Allison, Eric … I have no idea what Cuddy’s first name is – probably because she had a penis on Ally McBeal.

A young woman comes in. House is rude to her (of course, he is rude to her … He is House!)

Turns out Ray Liotta has a child that he doesn’t know about.

A woman who keeps her son secret and doesn’t want child support – OK, now this show has gotten too unrealistic. I was ok with that scene where House walked on water, but this is simply too unbelievable.

House is now sleeping in the Amber shrine. Wilson and Amber have apparently taken more pictures of each other than were taken of Elvis, James Dean, and Marilyn Monroe combined and they are all staring at House as if he were a pedophile or something.

House hears whispering like he’s in a Friday the 13th movie and thinks that he’s again going mad.

Here’s a cool bit of House trivia – House sleeps with his watch on!

The underlings still have no idea what’s wrong with Ray Liotta. They want to do a bone marrow test on the kid. The kid is like – “Fuck that! It sounds like it would hurt!”

Cameron lectures the mom about keeping the fact that his supposedly dead father is actually right across the hall a secret.

House is doing his mandatory teaching rounds. Just like I used to do to get out of doing Physics labs in high school, House is being really annoying and causing machines to beep and blare loudly. The doctor in charge tells House that they’ve all heard of him and they won’t tolerate his egotistical nonsense. No respect. House gets no respect at all (TM – Rodney Dangerfield – still working towards Carrot Top).

House responds by spilling the patient’s urine all over the hospital room. Game, set, match: House.

Ray is being told that he has a son. He’s pissed.

Mom wants him to meet his son. He doesn’t want to meet him.

The kid in his best moppet voice says “Hi, I’m Michael.  Wanna go to see a movie if you live?”

Ray says no in that we want the pet deer to go back into the forest so we have to pretend that we don’t like him anymore way. Ray doesn’t want little Michael to be hurt when he dies in a few weeks.

Actually, to me, being blown off by your dad and then having him die a week later has got to be worse. Doesn’t it? Instead we get Ol’ Yeller.

Ray should buy the kid a Nintendo Wii, kick off and that kid will worship him into the next century!

Medical gibberish. More berating of Cameron for being a bleeding heart. Chase is in another world because he’s thinking about James Earl Jones spewing blood.

House pulls Chase into an elevator and berates him for being a regretful murderer. It’s always a key question on this show – Does House have too much regard for human life or absolutely none at all?

House suggests therapy, which shows that he’s really made some progress. In season 1, House would have called him a pansy and fired him.

House makes up a disease and tells Ray that he’s got it. They’re going to try the sugar pill, placebo trick that was used so successfully on that episode of M*A*S*H. Something tells me it’s not going to work.

House is in the Amber shrine bed. He hears more voices. He begins to think that the pictures of Amber are out to get him.

There’s someone at the door. It’s Foreman. Ray Liotta has died four hours after being discharged. Fuck, I really thought that sugar pill idea was going to work.

Foreman has requested that the body be sent to their morgue so they can do the autopsy themselves. Damn, House thinks every other doctor in this state is a moron. He shouldn’t be stepping on Quincy MDs toes. See – another possible mash up completely ignored!

Cameron and Chase talk but of course they aren’t really communicating! Cameron doesn’t know that her husband was so evil that he killed Darth Vader. That’s like doing a good deed. They’d be giving this guy a medal if they were on Alderan or Tattoine. If those two Star Wars references are spelled anywhere close to accurately, I may need to kill myself.

Foreman: You can’t perform an autopsy without a medical license

House: Please, what damage could I possibly do now?

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Foreman cuts into Ray Liotta and he starts to bleed. Ray sits up screaming –HE’S STILL FUCKING ALIVE!!!

Happy Halloween campers!

Some medical gibberish explaining why the whole world thought Ray Liotta was dead.

I’m starting to believe that House isn’t brilliant, but that everyone else in the medical field is retarded – and you’re not fooling me with all that medical mumbo jumbo. I know bullshit when I hear it.

When Ray comes to life – Omar Epps does his best Buckwheat in a haunted house impression – Believe me, Spike Lee wouldn’t be happy with this scene.

House hears some people whispering in the hall. Is he going crazy? Frankly, the fact that he isn’t in Bellevue after seeing a dead guy come screaming back to life is a miracle. Of course, he’s lost it.

They decide to put Ray on steroids. If Ray were a baseball player and not a cop, Congress would be appalled.

Cameron: How are you feeling?

Ray: I feel like death

Cameron: You should. You were just sort of … er dead.

Ray is pissed about the sugar pills and about sort of er kind of dying.

House has his hearing checked. It’s perfect. Everything about House is perfect – well except his leg.

House says that he had dental surgery in the Philippines and that perhaps his fillings are getting radio signals sort of like they did on that episode of Gilligan’s Island. The hearing doctor says go annoy someone else in the ward.

Gilligan’s Island/Lost – see Hollywood is completely out of new ideas.

House decides that if his hearing isn’t bad, he must be going mad again.

House tells Cuddy that he needs to go back to the sanitarium and see Andre Braugher and that Puerto Rican dude that raps and has ADD again.

House is back sleeping on the couch. Now both Wilson and House are obsessed with Amber.

Ray tells a nurse that his tooth hurts. She says – sorry you’re maxed out on your morphine. If it were me I’d say, “Bitch! I say when I’m maxed out on my morphine!”

Ray gets up, limps across the room and pulls his own tooth out with a set of pliers!!!!  – Jesus that was just sickening! Blood is everywhere! Can’t I just watch the edited versions – no blood and gore – just lots of House being rude to people?

House’s underlings have to ponder Ray Liotta without House. Chances are good that they won’t solve the problem until he’s back.

House wakes up and he’s hearing those voices again. It turns out to be Wilson whispering his day to his dead girlfriend Amber. Wow, a guy was dead that wasn’t dead and then he pulled his own tooth out without anesthesia, but Wilson telling his dead girlfriend that he had pea soup today is the creepiest part of the episode so far.

Foreman to Cameron: I could tell you that your husband is a murderer, but you should probably let him tell you himself.

House tries to convince Wilson that he is going mad, but Wilson isn’t coming clean about the pea soup conversations even if it means driving House back to the sanitarium.

House: Can’t you talk to living people. I’m right here

Wilson: You’re an asshole. I’m the only one that even semi-tolerates you. Now go solve this week’s malady in the next 5 minutes or we’re bringing in Carrot Top to run the Hospital.

That was weak, but I was running out of time.

House shows up to do his clinic work with a bright new attitude.

Cuddy and House go out into the hall and argue.

Just so no one misses the sparks a nurse says “That’s not hate. It’s foreplay!”

When Cuddy dies, House won’t be whispering to her in bed, he’ll be yelling.

House yells at Foreman and Cameron.

House has an “aha” revelation. “Hereditary sensory autonomic neuropathy type 1!”

Of course, why didn’t we think of that immediately? Frankly, they could say he has cooties and I’d believe it.

House finds Chase sleeping on a couch and again tells him to seek help. He knows that Chase is afraid to go back into surgery, but he’s taking the “get Maverick right back up in the F16 before he’s ruined forever” technique.

Every character on this show is a little batty. Where is Major Sidney Freedman from M*A*S*H when you need him?

Chase has more Vader visions. Chase asks Ray if he’s ever killed anyone.  Ray says “No, but I ate a meal with a dead guy in my trunk in Goodfellas.”

The cop tells Chase that some guys kill people and happily go on their way, but others drink themselves to death.

Chase decides to go to a bar.

Ray winces. He tells Chase that he’s wet himself.

House makes a pun on the word duty/doody. Not the wittiest bit of writing that the show has ever produced.

It’s apparently not hereditary sensory autonomic neuropathy type 1. Shocking!

While they go off to try something else that won’t work, Chase goes to see a priest.

The priest tells Chase that he’s going to hell. What did he expect? He should have gone to OJ. OJ would have let him off with ten Hail Mary’s. 

The priest and Chase discuss the Doctor as God dilemma “We decide who lives and who dies” – in the end the priest still says Chase is going to hell and should turn himself into the police.

This sort of explains the Pope’s relationship with Hitler.

 The priest says if you don’t want my advice “blow me – become Jewish – ask Mel Gibson us Catholics are hard core!”

Cuddy has decided to tell the state licensing board that House has done his 100 hours in the clinic and not 15 minutes like in reality,

House brings up the sexual tension. Cuddy denies it. House claims a boner. Cuddy denies that she has one too – You see how the Ally McBeal penis thing is always an issue?

Cuddy: You press my buttons. I press yours.

House: By buttons you mean …

House has an “aha” moment and since there is only three minutes left in the episode, I’m guessing this one will be right.

House limps over to save Ray Liotta.

House explains that Ray has some obscure genetic thingy. Ray is skeptical and brings up the sugar pill disaster.

There are some fancy inside the body graphics. House tells Ray that he’s gonna cut into his brain and into his son’s brain too …

House: Because, I’m just that committed.

Some sappy music plays.

Both Ray Liotta and his kid now have bandages on their head. Thankfully, we’ve been spared the brain surgery.

They make up and it is implied that Ray will go to see a movie with his son now that he plans to live past 40.

Cameron is phoning the police because Chase is AWOL. Chase walks in drunk.  The police warn Cameron about prank 911 calls. It’s only 2 AM and she’s calling the police – what a shrew.

Chase: I needed to get drunk and I did.

Cameron: What aren’t you telling me?

Chase: Nothing

Cameron walks away and pouts – I hate the pouting. It’s the single most lethal feminine weapon.

House is on Wilson’s sofa again. He starts telling his dead dad about his pea soup lunch.

House: Wilson – This is stupid

Wilson (creepily to Amber): See he is getting better.

Wilson hearts House

The End

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