Old West: I Toss My Hat into the Reality Show World


Consider this my pitch – since I’m guessing my friend Grant won’t think it sellable:

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it is not to have a gun control argument with your prospective father in law no matter how many times he goads you into it.

Although, now that I think of it, I don’t understand how during that argument I never managed to mention that his daughter missed being in a building where a guy with a machine gun mowed down a bunch of people by about a minute and a half. Can I have my whole life over, please?

Anyway, the reason I’m for gun control is simply having seen John Lennon’s blood stained glasses.

If I talk guns with anyone these days, my only point is that everyone having a gun seems to be a lot like every Western I’ve ever seen. And of course, no one ever dies in those.

I wonder if there has ever been a Western where no one dies. If anyone knows one, pass it along. Warning: Back to the Future III definitely doesn’t count.

Oh, wait, I suppose when you do a pitch you shouldn’t make the first third of it random thoughts that have little to do with the heart of the pitch.

So anyway my idea for the greatest reality show in history is called Old West.

In Old West, we’ll find some desolate part of the country and build a cliched Western small town and all the participants in the show will live like they did in days of yore. Now this stuff has been done with different time eras, but I think you’ll agree with me after I’m done that this show will be much more entertaining.

There would be a saloon with plenty of Whiskey (I’ve learned that reality show success is directly proportional to the alcohol consumption of the contestants – or maybe that’s just on MTV and VH1), a small jail, a ton of horses, and oh yeah a shitload of GUNS!

We’d cast the different jobs accordingly.

The Sheriff: He should preferably be a really pro gun redneck cliche. Heavy drinker would also be a good characteristic

Blacksmiths, ranchers, farmers, bartenders, deputies, and oh yeah …. PROSTITUTES!

Now I suppose it would be alright to let real world prostitutes be the prostitutes, but I think we can all agree that it would be more fun to have regular women show us exactly how desperate they are to be on television.

Also all of the laws will conform to the most absurd ones that we could find from the 1880s.

So we’ve got a whole town full of characters to introduce to America, lots of grain alcohol, about ten or twelve prostitutes, and oh yeah … a lot of GUNS!

How could this show possibly miss?

If Mark Burnett doesn’t phone me by early next week, then let the whole world know that he is too big of a pussy to give us what would simply be the greatest reality show of all time!

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