Random 2009 Oscar thoughts

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5 previous best supporting actress winners do a tribute to the dangers of being an aging woman in Hollywood

Does Tilda Swinson only have one breast or is it the dress? I’ll feel really bad if I soon learn, she recently had a masectomy.

Penelope Cruz look to the left that is your future – enjoy being hot, while it lasts. Stay away from plastic surgery and pizza.

Before the show Hugh Jackman seemed to be thrusting his pelvis into Barbara Walter’s face, which is actually pretty symbolic of the job she does on most of her subjects.

Anyone want to bet me your dollar versus my life that Wall-E wins?

Hey, it’s Tina Fey the most respected woman in the world next to Oprah!

Steve is very funny – live. Now give us our money back for those Pink Panther movies.

I want a ten minute tribute to Mickey Rourke’s dead dog.

Early win for Milk – let the Prop 8 backlash begin.

Where is Jack Nicholson, there’s no Laker’s game tonight.

I don’t get the Kate Winslet love – not even a little bit

I want to see the Bollywood version of Slumdog Millionaire

C’mon Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black should chicken fight Brad and Angelina – go Jen.

That dude just said “Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto” – I love that guy!

I’m still so psyched about the Styx reference that I’m not going to make the obligatory Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse joke.

Actually, SJP looks like Glynda the Good Witch tonight – I’m not sure that’s a good thing

I love Natalie Portman and hate Ben Stiller even though he’s doing a Jaoquin Phoenix impression. Easy lay up for Ben as he wanders the stage aimlessly as Natalie reads the nominees.

James Franco and Seth Rogan laughing through the Reader and Doubt – Priceless! – well done.

Instead of finishing this nonsense – how about just showing every Heath Ledger scene from Dark Knight?

Hugh is doing some singing and dancing again – time to turn to the Cavs game

Does anyone wear Top Hats anymore except in Oscar tributes?

Randy Jackson finds the next top dance crew is more artful that this crap.

Hugh: The Musical is back! Uh … no thanks to you dude

Heath Ledger is 1 to 66 to win Best Supporting Actor – sounds about right

Oh no, why are you reminding me that Cuba Gooding has an Oscar?

And now for the four guys who have no chance to win this award and Heath Ledger

Whoa – what is up with Christopher Walken’s hair!

Hey, it’s Kevin Kline – maybe he will bring Phoebe up for a tribute to best nude scenes!

Wow, Heath’s sister is cute

And now a tribute to pretension — uh the best Documentary nominees

Predicted pretension score for Best Actor winner — Sean Penn 99 MickeyRourke (-12) 

God, I have to say I’d rather have my head cut off than watch a documentary about people with clefts

This is horrible – can someone wake me when best actor is given out?

Didn’t anyone ever notice Hugh Jackman sounds like a porn name? When does he cross over and make the movie with three penises coming out of each fist?

Wow, it’s Eddie Murphy – a man who has squandered more talent than any man alive.

Jerry Lewis! This could be embarrassing. There could be crazy and profanity coming up!

Oh, no — Jerry was gracious and no schtick whatsoever – he may be dead in a year! He’s clearly given up. Sad to see a huge ego go down so easily.

Orchestra time – SWEET – zzzzzzz

Wouldn’t it be great if some horrible movie had the year’s best score? “Mike Meyer’s Love Guru sucked, but what a score!”

At Lasssssttttt .. it’s time for a Hoover Commercial

That’s not real hair on Shirley MacClaine is it? Why would she choose that wig?

God, I hate Anne Hathaway – no real joke there – I just think I hate her.

Please don’t let Kate Winslet win – she’s like a magic trick I just don’t get.

This having the old winners speak about the roles is painful – just show me the clips!

Give me back MYYYYYY son – now that’s acting!

Even Anne Hathaway is happy that Kate wins! This speech should be painful.

“I want to thank Oprah for announcing my courage to showhow my breasts have aged without a stunt double”

Wow, Kate’s dad is a good whistler

OK, here comes best actor – will we get preached at or will we enjoy some CRAZY? – c’mon CRAZY!

Showing Jack in a clip just makes us miss his presence even more.

And yes, more proof that in Hollywood men age infinitely better than women.

Bringing new life to Richard Nixon is a good thing?

DeNiro brings the funny – nice. DeNiro lauds Spicoli role – even better!

Tonight’s best speech – Robert DeNiro, who would have thunk it.

Richard Jenkins? Who is he?

The Visitor? Is that a movie?

I’m guessing he won’t likely win.

Anthony Hopkins is making this up as he goes along – sucks for you Brad Pitt – too bad you didn’t get DeNiro

Here comes the sermon – Every single person who voted for Prop 8 was really voting against Mickey Rourke!

“Thank you, you commie homo loving sons of guns,”  well said – Sean Penn is bringing some humor too – thank god.

Sean mentions Mickey – nicely done. Tough for Mick’s comeback to run up against a great actor representing a cause they were dying to promote.

Best Picture winner – damn, it’s New Delhi up there.

One Response to “Random 2009 Oscar thoughts”

  1. Alright, nice job.

    A lot of hits. A few misses but wtf. A lot of hits! Oscar commentary I can count on…especially since I wasn’t watching this year…lol. I feel like I just got the highlights from a perspective I can trust. You could write for David Spade y’know?!

    A nice finish too. Called it like it was. I saw The Wrestler & it was great. I know I’m going to love MILK too. Almost saw it for a matinee back in December, and then there was a miscomunication…and then I got unengaged!!

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