Warning massively politically incorrect content to follow

I sincerely hope this doesn’t make me sound like Anita Bryant or an Army General. I lived in San Francisco for ten years and once saw six huge guys all walking in a row dressed as Marge Simpson, sure it was Halloween but that could totally have been a coincidence out there. I loved going to the Gay Pride Parade and seeing the show, but only when I had a girl to go with because I didn’t want to get caught on CNN and have my parents think I was coming out.

I have zero problems with homosexuals or anything they do. Live it up. Anyone who isn’t spitting out babies left and right, and in fact want to adopt the spawn of decades of Jerry Springer guests are saints in my book. Like most guys, the very idea of doing similar so disgusts us that we’re completely convinced that you would have to be born that way to want to do that stuff (am I protesting too much?).  Nevertheless, I’d call my self homo-friendly.

A friend of mine and I went to the premiere XFL game in Los Angeles together – I can’t defend this, although I’m pretty sure the tickets were free. Actually, I probably went to like 5 that one special year. I would have felt like a loser but it was hard to because the poor sap who always sat next to us was the biggest loser in the Country. Dude went to XFL games alone. He was overweight. He’d clearly never even hugged a girl. One week he let slip that he was in three(!) XFL fantasy leagues and our mouths dropped agape for at least fifteen minutes. Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve found him, the most pathetic dude on the planet. This is maybe the only guy alive who would have to become a homosexual as a social choice.

Anyway, another guy in our group, had already drawn our fire for actually being excited about the football game that day. He was basically the only guy not checking out the hot tub and yelling at women to take their tops off. We found out why when someone seated near him said the word “fag” and he snapped back “for all the fags here why don’t we agree not to use that word.”

See straight males’ problem is that we love that word. Doug Stanhope has said that it’s such a good word that he’ll gladly suck your cock for the right to use it. There is really no better way for straight male friends to bond than to accuse them of having been involved in the grossest act of love between two men that we can possibly conceive. Go ahead and accuse me of being secretly desirous of such an encounter, for all I know you’d probably be right. I’m not trying to defend myself and my friends, I’m just reporting on the state of the scene. I admit it’s a huge parade of penis jousting, but I don’t think we mean any harm. I just hope to God that there aren’t 17 year old kids out there crying because my buddy enjoys calling me up and asking me how much dick I’ve been sucking.

A lot of straight males don’t even think of homosexuality when they use the word fag, you’ve probably seen the less eloquent of them in documentaries around the world. To those guys they just think it means someone who exhibits the least possible amount of manliness. Like Stanhope, they want to claim the word for themselves, and have everyone else forget the original concept. We’re pardoning you guys, but we’re going to recycle the word for other stuff.

You’re gay? “Cool, how’s that working out for you?”
You’re straight? “Hey, dude how much dick you been sucking out there!”

Not buying it, huh. You’re right, I can’t intellectually defend any of this behavior. In fact, I think I’m sorry that I’ve even brought it up.

 Cal: [David and Cal Playing a video Game] You’re *gay* now?
David: No, I’m not gay I’m just celibate.
Cal: I think? I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like… there’s this and then in a year it’s like, “Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys” and then there’s the big, “Oh I’m I’m a g-gay guy now”.
David: You’re gay for saying that.
Cal: I’m gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you’re gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I’m gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you’re* gay? You just told me you’re not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know that you’re gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you’re gay? and you can tell who other gay people are.
David: You know how I know you’re gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.