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The Jedi are child molesters!

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Please don’t shoot me I’m just the messenger.

I want it known up front that I have nothing at all against homosexuality, I am not pushing a homophobic agenda, I am merely interpreting the film that I have just witnessed and the messages seem pretty obvious to me.

The doomed heroes of the Star Wars franchise are the Jedi Warriors; we know this because they stick to the good side of the force and avoid the evil dark side. After seeing Episode III it becomes all too apparent that the dark side is heterosexuality. The Jedi are at best homosexual or asexual, at worst it seems pretty clear that they may be pedophiles. I know that this sounds like blasphemy, but please hear me out.

No Jedi are married not Yoda, not Obi Wan, not badass Mace Windu, they don’t even have girlfriends. Additionally, there is not one female Jedi. There is in fact an overwhelming lack of females in the entire movie if not the entire series. The Jedi spend all their time amongst themselves “training” by battling with their obviously phallic light sabers. When Obi Wan recruits young Anakin Skywalker by separating him from his natural mother, he is initially told that he is too young. They fear that he will reject their affection for young boys and rat them out to the rest of the heterosexual republic.

Crisis occurs when Skywalker marries Padme and impregnates her. This should be the most normal thing in the world shouldn’t it? Instead we are told that it would mean banishment from the Jedi for Anakin. When Anakin goes to Yoda, for help, Yoda comes right out and says that love is nothing but the dark side of the force. Anakin’s heterosexuality is a complete anathema to the Jedi way. In fact, Episode III is nothing but a love triangle between Padme and Obi Wan for Anakin’s affections. Anakin quickly learns that the only way to protect his heterosexuality is to align himself with Darth Sidius, who promises Anakin that he can protect the life of his true love Padme. This is unacceptable to the Jedi, who go to overwhelming lengths to combat Sirius’ attempt to save their love. When Anakin, finally chooses heterosexuality, his first action is to kill the young boys being “trained” by the Jedi. They have been polluted by the Jedi and must die in order to stop the abnormal chain of pedophilia. Enraged by this, Obi Wan cuts off Anakin’s body at the waist making it impossible for him to ever love another woman again. His final words being something along the lines of I loved you, you ruined everything. This is not my view it’s all there in the film.

As a reward for his service to the slain Jedi, Yoda promises to reunite Obi Wan with his original master, when he was “initiated,” the dead Qui-Gon Jinn. It boggles the mind what kind of relationship Obi Wan has with a dead guy for the next nineteen years, but that’s where Lucas leads us.

Think about all six movies. Only one character ever had any notions of sexuality, Han Solo. Han Solo, by his name does not hang around with packs of other men, much less boys. He does hang with a big gorilla looking thing, but I don’t really even want to go there. Despite Solo’s bravery and skill, he is never asked to become a Jedi. In fact, his aid to the Jedi, who he seems to regard as a bunch of weirdos, is really only an excuse to woo Leia. I’m not sure what he’s worried about because clearly, by the lack of women around, the Jedi have no interest whatsoever.

Hey, if this is Lucas coming out so be it, but don’t ignore the propaganda. Although most of us who go to enjoy the special effects and the eye candy ignore the underlying themes, think about who the hardcore fans of the movies are. You know the ones who camp out for weeks dressed up like freaks to receive the latest word from their master. They are predominantly young males, who have nearly no contact with anyone of the female gender. Coincidence, I doubt it.

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  1. I don’t know why anyone is trying to legitimately argue against this, it’s so absurd that it’s clearly a joke in good fun. Everyone I knew who liked star wars has made the “Jedi are pedos” joke. Reading the description of lightsabers as phallic objects was hilarious. And just so it’s known, I am a fan of star wars that knows about the jedi that were women. This dude was just writing in good fun. Funny article Brad Laidman, don’t let the jedi molest you.

  2. I wrote it after the Revenge of the Sith. It was a joke. Of course I only watched the movies. I don’t think I need to read every Star Wars thing that has ever come out to joke around about the movies. Leia never was trained as a Jedi. In the first six movies I think I noticed like one female. There were no females on the council. But it was pretty clear to me that Anakin was forbidden to marry Padme because it would lead him to the dark side. They definitely said he was too old when they started training him when he seemed pretty young, and the first thing Anakin was told to do was kill the younglings after he became Darth Vader. Why do the Jedi have all these younglings around? Why do they have to be trained so young. Luke wasn’t that young. It was a goof. If you are obsessed with Star Wars I’m sorry, but the books the comics the stickers the endless sequels. It’s just all about money, and the reason that the first three sequels sucked was because they were aimed at kids to sell merchandise. Anakin in the first one was way too young. It’s a goof, but there’s no reason I can’t mock the movies without reading ten million other things. It’s not a religion to me. If being this obsessed by Star Wars makes your life fun God bless, but it’s not the life I’d choose and I’m not taking it down.

  3. This is bad in so many levels that i dont know where to start. What i am asking now is WHEN did you wrote this? i think that is time to take it down, since you are really putting yourself in ridicule with this

    First, there are lots and lots of Female Jedi. There always were also, since The EMpire Strikes Back, when it is clear that if Luke fails, they can still train Leia Organa, his sister.

    All the Tales of the Jedi and Old Republic stories were plenty on female Jedi much before there were prequels. Also, in the old chronology Luke trained at least one female: Mara Jade, his girlfriend.

    But the prequels also present A LOT of female Jedi:
    Luminara Onduli, Aayla Secura, Shaak Ti, Depa Billaba, Jocasta Nu, Yaddle, and the Clone Wars added a new famous one: Ahsoka Tano

    These were not isolated cases. I assume that after the fated sequels there were no doubt left, since the protagonist of those pathetic excuses of movies is a female, but it was never new: the order ALWAYS included females, making up 30 to 50% of the Order. In the movies, it seems closer to 30% but in the comics appear to be more 50%. Some of the most powerful Jedi of all time are female, including Nomi Sunrider and Tahiri Veila (apart from the new kid)

    So that statement is beyond wrong, is utterly ridiculous.

    The Next is that all Jedi are chaste celibates. Well, no. There is a disposition in the High Republic Jedi Era not to build “personal attachments”. This rule was not valid in the Old Republic, and in fact the Jedi took it from the Sith, that were full commited to their cause while the Jedi often had families that could be their weakness. Obi Wan and others had girlfriends.

    Yoda does not instruct Luke to remain Chaste in as he dies in the original trilogy, and Luke does not add this rule to the New Jedi order (if there is one).

    So, the Jedi had 25.000 years of history of which only less than 1000 years were marked by celibacy

    You probably just watched the movies and extracted conclusions with your limited cogntive abilities, but they are not there.

  4. The writer of this obviously is thinking about dick and butt-stuff too much. Lol. Phallic lightsabers?? At no point do we meet Jedi Master Uncle Bad-Touch.