The Movie that Killed


Here’s when the internet becomes fun. I just heard Dave Attell on Howard Stern mention that John Wayne used to smoke 200 cigarettes a day. I could only find that he smoked five packs a day, but I also saw someone mention in an Amazon review of the Quiet Man (Dave made me watch it once it went on for fucking ever – Just hit the guy already!) that Wayne inhaled each cigarette he smoked in the movie exactly 2 times. So if he only hits the things twice then I guess he’s back to one pack a day. Of course, he would eventually end up with lung cancer.

But then I remembered that there was a John Wayne movie, where everyone got Cancer from making it. I thought it was the Searchers, but it was actually the Conquerer. Basically, it was filmed where they did a bunch of their atom bomb testing and everyone wound up getting sick even though they seemed to understand that they were all around a ton of radiation. Maybe, they thought the radiation would give them superpowers like all of the Marvel Superheroes. That would be a good comic book run. Spider-man,  Daredevil, and the Incredible Hulk all come down with Cancer.

Knowing American history, I’m actually shocked that we didn’t think to do our nuclear testing in a third would country. Yes, were leaving radiation all over the place, but it’s ok we’re doing it in Uganda!

Supposedly, producer Howard Hughes felt really guilty about all the Cancer and pulled the movie from circulation, only to watch it over and over once he lost his mind. Maybe that’s why he went nuts. I totally can’t wait for Leonardi DiCaprio to age enough so he and Martin Scorces can follow up the Aviator with The Fucking Insane Billionaire.

I’d trade my life for Hughes. Forty or so years of banging all the hottest women in the world and setting aviation speed records for forty or so years of urinating in jars and saving them. Beats eighty years of sheer boredom in my book.

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