The thing I really hate about Sarah Palin

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My friend Grant used to mock me because I’ve only voted once. He was all every vote counts etc, and I was like show me the last presidential election that was decided by one vote. That was right before the Bush-Gore election, and of course he called to mock and blame me, to which I said – Gore won California by like 70 zillion votes. If I lived in Florida, I would have voted – plus they apparently don’t let Jews vote down there anyway.

The real reason that voting is a waste of time – is because as Bill Hicks said “I’ll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. ‘I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.’ ‘I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.’ ‘Hey, wait a minute, there’s one guy holding out both puppets!’”

The whole thing is a huge cesspool.

My view is that politicians are like baseball players on steroids – eventually you have to be dirty to survive.

Barack Obama just raised $66 million last month to try and get a job that pays less than a million. There is just no way that you can raise that much money and not be beholden to someone. Well, JFK +RFK went after the mob seconds after using them to win the Presidency, but you saw how that turned out.

Bill Clinton, if you sat down with him and he told you what was truly in his heart, would be a really impressive guy, but either out of gutlessness or necessity he constantly bailed on his beliefs to make deals. He obviously never read John F. Kennedy’s Profiles in Courage, but then again John F Kennedy didn’t really write it. So Clinton’s weakness was his profession politics, and Hillary is ten times the political animal that Bill is.

Remember Claude Rains trying to explain to Jimmy Stewart that he was really serving the country by being bought and sold?

Bill Clinton actually fired Jocelyn Elders as Surgeon General, for suggesting that perhaps it might be a good idea to think about teaching masturbation in the schools. Firing people for saying things that you agree with doesn’t win many points in my book.

Actually, I really only care a few issues – free speech, privacy, civil liberty, not sending me or anyone I know to run out to kill brown people, but the one thing that drives me mad is unwanted pregnancies and their aftermath.

Ignore the abortion issue – although my views are pretty close to John Lydon’s “It ain’t about morals because it’s immoral to bring a kid into the world and not give a toss about it.”

To me an unwanted pregnancy ruins at least two and often three lives. Babies should only be born when they’re planned. (If you used contraceptive and it didn’t work – well, I don’t really believe you, but fine.)

Not teaching kids about sex is stupider than asking a congregation to pray for a pipeline; it’s stupider than a devout Amish person trying to make the starting field of the Indy 500; it’s stupider than giving your son a shot of heroin hoping that it will prevent future drug use because that’s how your daddy taught you not to smoke.

So here’s this candidate for vice-president, who apparently eloped because she more than likely got pregnant at 24, who can’t even run her own family. I’m not just saying that because she’s a woman  (although I’m almost as sick of hearing hockey mom as I was with soccer mom). Bill Clinton was banging everything that moved and Chelsea turned out alright.

Yeah, I said it – if you get pregnant at 17, it’s your parent’s fault. Idiotic parents all over the country sending their kids out wearing elbow pads and knee pads and helmets. Sex is a 1000 times more chancy than riding a bike – you’d think all those parents could actially grasp the real meaning of protection.

I’m pretty sure that Sarah Palin is for abstinence programs. Penn and Teller did a great show about how absurdly inane and harmful these programs are – although they quoted Jocelyn Elders a lot and you’ve seen all the crazy stuff she believes in.

And of course, marrying someone of the same sex is obviously infinitely worse than getting married because you’ve gotten yourself pregnant.

Hey, I’m sure that there are 6,000 other things than make her a wackjob, but can you imagine the tools that she’d be appointing to the Supreme Court if Methusalah, I mean John McLane (nah I’d vote for him), happened to kick it in office.

Sure it’s harsh, but those being tortured in a prison camp years have to be at least the equivalent of a Jim Morrison or Keith Moon year.

I foresee abortion not only being illegal, but them giving death sentences to those that perform them. Actually, I don’t think that will ever really happen, but I couldn’t resist the insanity of the concept – not that I wouldn’t bet that millions wouldn’t have any problem with the idea.

Nevertheless, I agree, if you’re sitting around forwarding Sarah Palin’s head photoshopped on whatever, you really need a life, because the one thing I did agree that Grant once said was “I have porn for that.”

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