I was actually published in this book. They collected people’s attempts to do a Bill Hicks’ routine if he were alive today. These were the ones I submitted and had published.
Jesus, I’ve been dead for over ten years – I’m hanging out in heaven with Yul Brynner smoking everything in sight and hey we feel for you. Tommy Chong sent to jail for blowing glass? A Supreme Court justice who won’t let you film his lectures on free speech? An attorney general who can’t bear to give speeches in front of naked statues? You want me to check out something that little demon John Ashcroft has to say? How about Pam Anderson and Janet Jackson jumping up and down behind him to see whose tits are gigglier? George Bush the sequel? How did this happen? Please Jesus when I said it would be funny to see the demon seed of George Bush and Dan Quayle – I was FUCKING JOKING! Serves me right. Ashlee Simpson caught lip synching on Saturday Night Live? Is this what passes for scandal these days? Whatever happened to Patty Hearst changing her name and robbing banks? Am I supposed to be fucking upset about Ashlee Simpson lip synching? Personally, I find the whole thing oddly considerate. I’m all for that little piece of trailer trash demon seed lip synching. Next time do us all a favor – lip synch to say – The White Album or Electric Ladyland – jump up and down naked to Helter Skelter – that’s a TV show I’ll watch. Yul and I are off to do some stewardesses – have fun getting offended by men wanting to marry each other – Jesus is waiting and he’s fucking pissed!
Here’s why America is fucked up as a nation. Lots of people find in ironic that at 18 you are old enough to die in an oil field for some fat corporate motherfucker, but you’re not old enough to buy a couple beers before you get tossed head first into a cave to search for Osama. I understand that – hell, I fucking agree, but while you’re at it consider this. An 18 year old girl isn’t old enough to buy alcohol either. Appearing in a porn movie – perfectly legal – hey, no one loves porn more than me – just pointing it out. Vodka and Cranberry – totally out of the question – taking three crack head losers’ penises into every orifice of your body on some mattress in a back alley in Chatsworth – completely copasetic. Dad, can I have a beer? Dick, just wait ‘til I send you my first movie for Christmas. You’ve never seen semen arranged so artfully!