Who wants to be a team player?


Are you a team player?

The whole notion of team play in business is one of the biggest piles of crap ever unleashed upon the world.

Hey, being on a team sounds like fun, the camaraderie, the going to get ice cream when you are done! But face it work isn’t little league. No one ever applauds you for giving a good effort and the goal isn’t to have fun.

When an employer asks you if you are a team player, he’s not really asking whether you play well with others, what he is really asking you is “how much crap are you willing to take for the good of the firm?” or “if we screw you out of the bonus we promised you, will you accept our facile justification that it was essential to the survival of the firm?”

The whole notion reaches its zenith during firm outings where they make you do “team building exercises.” Usually these blights on humanity occur during firm trips to exotic places like Las Vegas or New Orleans. The team building exercise is in reality a way to let you know that you are a trained monkey and will do anything to keep your job.

You’re in Las Vegas and you want to build a sense of team. Do you let your employees go out and drink and gamble together and become friends or do you instead make them act like kindergarteners by doing embarrassing crap like building a human bridge that supposedly shows them how to work together to achieve a goal.

What they are really telling you is, “We pay with you and we can fuck with you whenever we want!”

Now, I’ve worked on team projects before. They are basically a clusterfuck. In the best case scenario, everyone is competent and the job is a success. Usually, though, it’s a game of chicken to see who can do the least amount of work. In fact, it usually falls upon the most competent person or the one that cares the most to do just about everything himself.

I’m not saying that the ability to delegate responsibility isn’t important in business, it is essential, but the whole social agenda is inane. Nine times of out ten, you put a group of six people together to brainstorm and you will wind up with a six hour Abbot and Costello routine with nothing getting done.

Look business sucks. Most jobs suck. The whole thing is a blight on the world. But frankly, take your touchy feely team crap and shove it. You want to know how to motivate people and get things done? Pit them against each other like dogs.

Alec Baldwin: Let me have your attention for a moment. ‘Cause you’re talkin’ about what…you’re talkin’ ’bout…bitchin’ about that sale you shot, some son of a bitch don’t want to buy land, somebody don’t want what you’re selling, some broad you’re trying to screw, so forth, let’s talk about something important. Are they all here?

Kevin Spacey: All but one.
Baldwin: Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. (sees Lemmon pouring coffee). Put that coffee down. Coffee’s for closer’s only. You think I’m fuckin’ with you? I am not funkin’ with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from Mitch and Murray. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levine?
Jack Lemmon: Yeah.
Baldwin: You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch.

Ed Harris: I don’t gotta listen to this shit.

Baldwin: You certainly don’t pal ’cause the good news is you’re fired. The bad news is you got all you got, just one week to regain your job, starting with tonight, starting with tonight’s sits. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s sale contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is your fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out.

Lemmon: The leads are weak.

Baldwin: The leads are weak. The fuckin’ leads are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business 15 years …

Harris: What’s your name?

Baldwin: Fuck you, that’s my name. You know why mister? Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an 80,000 dollar BMW. That’s my name. (To Lemmon) And your name is you’re wanting. You can’t play in the man’s game, you can’t close them? Then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Get them to sign on the line which is dotted. You hear me you fuckin’ faggots.
(Flips the blackboard)
ABC. A, Always, B, Be, C, Closing. Always be closing. Always be closing. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. Do I have your attention? Interest. Are you interested? I know you are ’cause it’s fuck or walk. You close or you hit the bricks. Decision. Have you made your decision for Christ? And action. AIDA. Get out there. You got the prospects coming in, you think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don’t walk on the lot lest he wants to buy. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it? (To Harris) What’s the problem, pal?

Harris: You, boss, you’re such a hero, you’re so rich, how come you’re coming down here and wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

Baldwin: You see this watch? You see this watch?

Harris: Yeah.

Baldwin: That watch costs more than your car. I made 970,000 dollars last year, how much you make? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father. Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, close. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cock-sucker. You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit. If you don’t like it, leave. I can go out there tonight, the materials you got, make myself 15,000 dollars. Tonight. In two hours. Can you? Can you?

Go and do likewise. AIDA. Get mad you son-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to sell real-estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate. Go and do likewise, gents. The money’s out there, you pick it up, it’s yours, you don’t, I got no sympathy for you. You want to go out on those sits tonight and close, close, it’s yours, if not, you’re going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you’ll be saying. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: ”Oh yeah, I used to be a salesman. It’s a tough racket.”

These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They’re for closers.  I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you got it. (To Harris) And to answer your question, pal: Why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fuckin’ ass because a loser is a loser.

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