Wreckage from The Felicity Commission

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The Felicity Commission – Two Years in Pop Culture as a function of a really strong curly haired young woman.

Warning: Be scared be very scared!

The Goal – To get a girl to date me.

Who was she? A cute girl dumb enough to give me her E-Mail Address.

The Felicity Rap –

When it comes to women, I have no rap. I wasn’t a sports star, I’ve never been all that happy, and I engulf far too much music, movies and television than anyone with a job should. Oh yeah, for most of this I didn’t even have one of those. I was therefore left to best work my “I made so much money as a successful stock option trader that I’m devoting a couple of years to being a writer” line or did my best to change the subject.

Usually, I’d slyly let it slip that although I was really embarrassed to admit it that I was a real big fan of the show Felicity. After all what else do women younger than me talk about? I clearly and truly have no idea. Besides, Felicity was like the ultimate girl. She was intelligent, pretty, passionate, a true believer in love, and extremely irresistible. What girl doesn’t at least want to see themselves in that way?

Sure, I got a bunch of responses like “Wow, you’re right that is really embarrassing”, but who would really want to date those women anyway? What better way could there be to show a woman that you were a sensitive man who likes strong but immaculately good looking women? I’m not saying there aren’t a bunch of better ones, just that I haven’t figured any of them out yet.
Essentially, the Felicity Commission is my attempt to romance every woman on the face of the earth.

So do I really like the show Felicity?

Hell, yes. How can you pull off faking a love for the show Felicity? Even I’m not so treacherous that I’d watch a lame chick show just to use it to later to Mack on women. I wish I were but I’m not. How could I not like this show? It’s basically the life story of the girl I’ve been dreaming of falling in love with since the fifth grade. I’m a complete sap for that sort of nonsense.

How did it start?

Here’s how awful I am with women. I’ve been emailing her for two months and I still haven’t played my Felicity card yet. Apparently, though I’d been seriously working my similar Sex & the City card. On Oct. 4 2000 the key question was uttered

do you watch Felicity? it’s back on tonight.

Do I watch Felicity? Bingo I’m in!

Yeah I’m a big felicity fan.
Don’t let the secret out I don’t want to lose my huge hip cred.
Personally I think she should be with Noel the nice guys always get screwed

I always play the Noel card.

Essentially 99% of this show is should Felicity choose Ben or Noel. Well Ben is the really good looking, dim but earnest guy who at the last second Felicity decides to blow off Stanford and attend college in New York for. There’s no way I can pull that off. Women who want Ben are strictly out of my reach.

Noel is the sensitive, good egg kind of guy who women always say they want to meet as they continue to date nothing but guys like Ben. Essentially, the Felicity Commission is nothing but my attempt to find the one girl who says she’d prefer Noel and hold her to the truth!

The Felicity discussion group

Eventually I got this email from Leigh entitled The Felicity Discussion Group.

Okay has Noel lost his mind or what? And he’s drinking Red Bull. Nice product placement.

Who thinks Megan and Sean will last? I give it a couple of episodes. I liked Megan the less we knew about her.

I bet that guy Tracy will cheat on what’s her face.

Anyone else?

Leigh

My historic answer

Tracy won’t cheat on what’s her face. what’s her face will cheat on Tracy
he’s been nothing but perfect so far besides what’s her face got cheated on in the first season

Javier Rules!

The camcorder should be banned for everything except filming sexual acts

does anyone in America still have a TV like that one much less a brand new one like that

that Richard guy rules

What kind of weird parallel New York do these guys live in?

Sean has this huge ass place – we’ve never seen him work a day at a real job except for the time he was selling bananas at huge prices to the students during finals

Felicity finds a landlord who will let her out of a lease after a few nights of fighting and bathing –

the rest of the girls live in an apartment more lavish than any real world episode

Megan is cooler when she is mean – -although that may not be possible after we saw her break down in front of that guy she worshipped who use to play Dylan on that Nickelodeon show 15

Poor Amy Jo Johnson she doesn’t even remember what she is crying about anymore – – the writers just pencil her in for 3 minutes of sobbing to even out the episodes

remember when Ben had problems like he hated his dad and he needed to gamble to pay his tuition and he would be making out with the pink power ranger
now all he gets to do is be understanding and beg women not to bathe in his tub

I still feel bad for Felicity’s dad
I actually buy the noel thing – – the poor guy is the nicest guy in the world
he gets screwed over by felicity —
his other hot girlfriend cheats on him and gets pregnant
of course the real reason for his midlife crisis is the fact that he is one year ahead of all the other kids in school

remember when all the Beverly Hills 90210 kids were going to college so David Silver decided to skip a grade and graduate early so he could still be on the show
this is their way of keeping noel around for year 4

or were you just kidding about a felicity discussion group? 🙂

Her Key Comeback

I never kid about Felicity

The Felicity Commission

About a week later, I first titled my weekly sort of requested Felicity analysis to her the Felicity Commission. At first, I pretty much recapped that week’s episode and gave my point by point commentary, but when she never complained they got longer and longer until I pretty much considered it my weekly Entertainment Column. I would write this girl four thousand word missives and she would usually respond with maybe six or seven words.

Here is one of Leigh’s more voluminous critiques to my heart and soul.

Yeah, I didn’t like that dress she wore at the party either.

Eventually, I needed more of a response than that so I secretly started posting them in the alt.tv.felicity chat rooms. After awhile a girl from eFanGuide asked me if she could reprint my open admissions of romantic failure on her web site. They were posted there weekly for about a year until a crazed Ben fan hacked into their site and trashed it. Yes, the internet is a lonely place!

Where I am now that the show is over?

Well, I guess I’m screwed but someday I’ll be able to tell folks that in my heyday I had about 23 rabid fans and that most of them were women above the age of consent!

What Leigh always tells me.

No one is going to pay you money to critique Felicity episodes.

My Only Hope

That’s what John Lennon’s Aunt used to tell him about playing guitar!

The Style

The Felicity Commission came from the kind of stuff I used to like to read in the Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place newsgroups. I thought it was really funny that so many really smart people out there were hooked on those shows despite the fact that they really considered them to be sort of awful. For people like me, probably way too into television and especially way to into Tori Spelling’s appearance, those shows were like the ultimate guilty pleasure. Felicity was the show I picked to replace them.

I swear that most of the show specific stuff was pretty damn funny. In fact some people hated the non Felicity stuff even while lauding my genius ability to treat the show as my own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000. I’m hoping that one day I’ll be so respected as a writer that the public will demand the Unabridged Complete Felicity Commission but until then here is a small sample.

Vital Information

I just saw an ad for the nightly news that had a teaser – “An ominous warning from a Hollywood Superstar tonight at ten” –

Don’t these networks have a responsibility to run these vitally important missives immediately?!

The Truth Behind My Art

Someday people will see this and realize the desperate plea for help that it is.

Brunch in Palo Alto

Interesting but true tidbit. Felicity says she first met Ben’s dad at Hobie’s in Palo Alto. I’ve been there. Apparently Hobie’s will give you a free breakfast for every picture you take of yourself wearing a Hobie’s T-shirt in some foreign land. The girl who took me there had like thousands of pictures of herself up on the wall. Apparently the only thing she did as frequently as travel was to garner free breakfasts. While waiting for our food, I grabbed a newspaper, at which time she says, “OK we haven’t been dating long enough for you to do that.” She was right but personally I was like, “Hey at least I’m paying for my breakfast.”

Thus proving my point that if you have your heart broken in Palo Alto like I did that the show Felicity generates layers upon layers of inner meaning that you neophytes could only guess at.

Pacts with God

Sean is recuperating from his surgery but it appears that they took out his brain instead of his testicle. He made a pact with God before his operation and now that he is healthy he wants to be an orthodox Jew. Seriously, is testicular cancer that big of a deal? It seems that you could do that procedure at home with a hole punch, some string and a pair of tweezers. At least Little Richard thought he was going down in a blazing airplane! If I make one of these pacts with God after accidentally driving off the Golden Gate Bridge and my car is suddenly turned into a submarine with a parachute, I’ll immediately start wearing a yarmulke and growing one of those long ass wigs, but he lost a ball. Tom Green lived and Megan could kick Tom Green’s ass in seconds flat.

The secret behind the show

Does anybody ever notice that if a character goes to anyone else but Felicity for advice that they will inevitably later look utterly ridiculous as Felicity unamusedly  says “My God I can’t believe you did this why didn’t you come to me sooner!”

Hope for the Future

Someday there will be a world government and all the shows will exist in one universe so when Felicity passes out drunk it’s in either Joey Tribianni or Frasier Crane’s bed.

Great Lines from Felicity History

Megan: “Sean, I’m not converting to Judaism just because you lost a nut!”

The King of Felicity

I love Ben. In the old days men were allowed to deal with their problems with out and out violence. Today’s more sensitive pansy world tells men to turn the other cheek and mope around until the feeling passes. Ben just goes out and kicks someone’s ass! Ben has most likely seen Fight Club twelve times. Sure I’m one of those sensitive let’s talk it out kind of guys, but that’s because I fight like Barney Fife. If I were Ben’s size you can be pretty sure I’d be a lot less tolerant. Sure I’ll be telling you it’s because I have a code that I live my life by, but if I were 6’5” 220, I’d be out starting bar brawls.

It’s Wednesday Night

“An all new Felicity is just moments away …” Wow my spine tingles when I hear that!

Mom learns about Javier

Felicity is trying to explain her behavior to her mom. Mom wants to know if she can trust Javier. Felicity fills her in on the show. Mom, I was his best man. He’s my boss. My friend. I almost married him to stop him from getting deported. He decided to go back to school for me. He has the hots for my boyfriend. He’s such a good character they brought him back from deportation hiatus somehow.

Mom apparently hasn’t watched since she and dad broke up. Either that or she is a lot like Mr. Burns every time he forgets who Homer Simson is. “I like the jib of that man Smithers, who is he?”

Nice Job Ben

Uh oh. Ben has been thinking! That’s never a good thing as it’s not his strong point. Ben says don’t donate the egg. If you do this there will be a kid out there that is yours. Look at Julie look how screwed up she was. Wow, Ben has made a brief to the point and cogently well reasoned argument. How can she refuse him?

Don’t cheat on religious people

Elena wrote Tracy a 100 page letter of apology for sleeping with his lab partner. He doesn’t look very impressed.

Oh no Robert Downey Jr. has been arrested again.
Point of information on RDJ for all women in the audience. When they say he was with a dancer that means stripper.
Ben goes to Alanon

Just for those scoring at home. Ben has listened to like a miniseries worth of other people’s stories and still his only contribution has been “Hi I’m Ben, I hate my dad.” Rock on Ben.

Ben confronts the Alanon group leader. “All we do is talk what’s the deal with that?” Sometimes Ben gets a lot of ideas at once and he seems like a combination of Stanley Kowalski and Jerry Seinfeld. “Hey what’s up with all this talking? Doesn’t Alanon ever have any pickup hoop tourneys. I mean all drug talk all day? Even my dad came home sober once or twice a month.”

Felicity to the Rescue

Ben and Felicity hug and act cute. Ben needs advice. Felicity tells him that although no one can be as good at standing by a friend as her, uhh Julie, Noel, Elena, and maybe Richard aside … well Felicity is all for helping people with their problems.

The Memorable Fetish Ball episode

Fetish Ball – Megan misses Sean. She leaves and rents a movie for her and Sean. Sean of course is in assless pants at the Fetish Ball. You see it was that Beverly Hills 90210 trick where if one person decides to go back and compromise the other one surprisingly does the same. My friend Grant says this is good writing. I say Megan should ditch Sean the Yiddish gypsy and get her own show on the Playboy Channel. Megan is eventually very touched by the ass-less pants.

Deep Thoughts on Felicity
Would this show be nearly as entertaining if all the characters were made of putty like Gumby or Davy and Goliath?
The world of PSA’s

Shannon Doherty plus the stars of Felicity on an anti drug ad? Do you have to give back the money you made on anti drug commercials if your career dies and you wind up married to Corey Feldman in a trailer ranch with a serious Cocaine habit? Hmm I do know Liberace won a lawsuit against a British tabloid who said he was Gay. If anyone deserves to get their money back they do

Philosophy the Felicity Way

Uh oh, Felicity has found out that the University never got her drop form for a Philosophy Class. She goes to the Professor and asks for help, but like most arrogant profs he merely mocks her. Felicity, who has already missed the midterm and all the quizzes, asks the Professor if she would pass if she got an A on the final. The professor tells Felicity not to worry about it because even the long haired losers who major in Philosophy don’t get A’s on his final much less a flighty chick who never attended one class. Nevertheless, it looks like she’s gonna try to cram a whole quarter of Philosophy into a week in addition to working her two jobs and studying for all of her regular finals. Wow, it’s like when they make the horses carry extra weight to make things more equal. You’d think that the Philosophy Professor would have known that being an asshole is a bad Philosophy to have. Go Felicity.

So if she gets an A on her Final does she then get a C for the course or does the professor give her a higher grade. I can’t imagine the professor will be happy to know that his tough philosophy can be aced in a week after missing every single class. Isn’t that the class we all wanted and searched for desperately?

Next Week on Felicity – Felicity becomes a Nuclear Scientist after an afternoon of intense study!

Ben has a Temper

Future Episodes of Felicity will come with a Ben Rage-o-Meter!! How did he not get to be Mr. Furious in Mystery Men?

Deep Thoughts on Felicity Part 1

I just found out that the new theme song was written, performed, taken to the record store, and placed on your turntable by one of the creators of the show. Wow, you have to have a huge ego to think that you’re going to be the Ricky Nelson of the Felicity phenomenon. Is J.J. Abrams thinking first the kids will dig my sprightly Felicity theme song, pretty soon I’m on tour with Kid Rock? I guess it makes sense though that Felicity was created by a man because she is essentially the male fantasy of what the perfect girlfriend would be. Even her faults are there to spice up the delicacy. The only real problem is that she was supposed to be with Noel. Noel is who the writers see themselves as.
Unfortunately, they soon realized that everyone wanted to watch the bad or at least violently troubled unreliable guy Ben. Not only are they dissed every day in real life but their fantasy show gets corrupted by the demands of the female populace, who would all choose Ben over Noel every day of the week. Pretty soon they’re spitting out precious jingles and praying they will make enough money to compete for all of the real world women who don’t live up to their dreams, but will have to do.
When did Larry Flynt become the producer of Felicity part 2

I better not see Felicity in one of those “Dream Girl” public nudity videos! I mean I’d like to see her in one – I just don’t want to see her slip that far. Well actually I’m torn on this issue.

Great line of the show…

“He’s not just a crack head or an addict or a dealer he’s a dick a total dick.” Ben riffs on his favorite word as Felicity’s mom walks in the door. Remember his famous response to the doctor guy quoting a survey “Yeah, well 62% of me thinks you’re a dick!”

The word dick hasn’t been used this well since Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Now that network standards are loosening up eventually VH1 will have a Behind the Music examining the 20 greatest usages of the word dick in entertainment history.

Felicity and the Jewish problem

Sean and Richard, those crazy Jewish characters who like to make money have bought a whole lot full of Christmas trees. What happened to the pumpkins last month, guys? When Sean is forty he’ll be on welfare but his resume will list over 5000 jobs – all half baked, all semi-unsuccessful. Yeah let’s rip off the Christians with their own holiday – Did Spike Lee write this week’s episode?

Jedi Knight

Here is where I obviously failed. When I went home to meet my girlfriend’s mother and she was a jerk to me and told her daughter that she was wasting her time with me, I tried to be calm and lucid and loving and said, ”Well maybe when she gets to know me better.” Ben, instead gets home and reams Felicity for what a bitch her mom is. I mean, he just takes it out on her. I never would have thought to do that. No wonder nobody ever chased me to an across the country college.

Ben speaks the truth

Ben meets Mom for coffee. In what would have to be called his first major monologue, Ben poignantly tells Mom that although he hasn’t any plans that he makes Noel look like the boring Bagel and Swiss Cheese Sandwich that he is. He tells mom that women don’t want loving boring guys like Noel and that even if Felicity were to marry Noel she would always be thinking about the man with the vibrating mojo stick that she moved across the country to go to college with. “That’s the most I’ve ever said at one time in my entire life so I’ll just stop.” Not a great ending for a monologue but Ben does his best Paul Newman and scores!!! We all thought that he would just kick the crap out of mom but he shocks us with his newfound self reflective Jedi cool.
Felicity does the gun issue

The biggest mistake I ever made was letting my best girl’s father goad me into a gun control debate. If only I had tonight’s episode back then to bolster my case perhaps it wouldn’t have degenerated into profanity, slapping, and name calling.

Bastards – You say you want quality cinema, but who here supported Josie and the Pussycats?

Tonight’s Masters Degree in TV thesis question:

Explain how the hell Benson went from sarcastic butler to sarcastic lieutenant governor of some  small southern state in 500 words or less.

TV Shootings and Similar Mayhem I’d Love to See

Mr. Roper pops his wife at the Regal Beagle grinning like he just let loose a zinger that would make Don Rickles proud if not worshipful.
“Die you commie pinko dinner stealing meathead!”
Gunther clears the coffee shop after gang leave him 37 cent tip for 14 mocha lattes. Rachel is spared when she offers to put on her Princess Leia Gold Bikini and white knee socks..
Colonel Klink empties camp after discovering the radio in the coffeepot goes to work for Schultz in his toy factory.
Baywatch reenacts the D Day landing – Speilberg directs.
Natalie hears Blair talk about how pretty she is one too many times.
“What you shooting at Willis?”
Live from New York Joe Piscapo is back and he’s not pleased.
Mr. Brady introduces his new bedtime friend – John Dillenger.
Arthur decides he’ll be able to hear the TV better without Maude bitching all night and day.
Mary Kate and Ashley’s Glock party – a very special Full House finale.
Mr. Wilson makes sure Dennis never gets older than 6.
Tonight on Letterman – Dave visits some old pals at NBC!
“Now this is how to shoot a god damn rifle Pyle!”
Ernest T Bass upgrades from rocks to pistoleros

Number one on TV wish list

That Circus of the Stars episode where Linda Carter was jumping up and down in the trapeze netting!

Someone phone the NRA

What’s more important ending handgun related violence or my continued amusement from gun related TV and movie plots?

Noel gets Fatalistic

While our boy is at the game. Felicity discusses life with Noel who has decided to kill himself with spray cheese.

Felicity: That stuff (spray cheese) will kill you
Noel the deep thinker: Something will it might as well be spray cheese.

How I learn geography

When you watch a television show on tape and fast forward past the view of the city set to music are you losing out on the full aesthetic value of the show or are you just grasping for more valuable moments from life? It seems like I probably could have seen a season of  the Practice just from all the time I’ve wasted seeing New England from all the Ally McBeal and Boston Public I watch. How many episodes of L.A. Law would I have to watch to be able to figure out how to drive from the airport to the Sunset Strip?

A new commercial low

Wow I just saw a guy luge balls first into a telephone pole, which means the beer industry has decided that the world is ready for kicked in the ball jokes on Network TV. I heartily agree. Somebody mark the date! Think how fun I Love Lucy would have been if Rickey got kicked in the nuts from time to time.

Dawson’s parents just had a baby. Isn’t it beautiful? —- NO!

A note on the end of the world as we know it

Oh no two boys kissing on Dawson’s creek! Someone help get Dr. Laura’s panties out of their twist. Excuse me if I don’t commit suicide until the special episode of NYPD Blue where Sipowitz goes down on Ricky Shroeder. Personally, I found it a bit scarier when that poor guy on Melrose Place was forced to hug all of his boyfriends while the rest of the cast got jiggy in the pool.

My life sucks

It’s 5:15 AM and I start to watch the Andy Griffith show where Howard Sprague decides to become a stand up comic. I mourn for my eventual chances for happiness.

Puffy please get over Jennifer Lopez it’s getting embarrassing.

P-Diddy:  “I think me and Elvis are gonna go down in history together because we both love our Mamas so much.”

I love bad TV

My friend Grant always calls me up and asks me if I had seen the previous night’s excellent West Wing episode. Each time he gets almost violently pissed when I say something like “Are you kidding Felicity and Ben got into a major fight last night.” He thinks that quality television should be appreciated and supported. I say quality television sucks.

Speaking of quality television. The Springer Cam is genius. Last night I saw this 350 pound man tossing Doritos into the mouth of his bra and panty wearing 350 pound girlfriend. And I’m supposed to be impressed with Martin Sheen and Rob Lowe exchanging beautifully written and intellectually challenging dialogue. I did however gain a little respect for Aaron Sorkin when he got busted with the mushrooms. Well not respect because it’s dumb to try to bring mushrooms out of the country but intrigued at least by the guy’s mushroom use

The Moonlighting Rules

It should be noted that Sean and Megan always conform to the Bruce Willis Cybil Sheppard rules of fighting. Always talk when your mate is talking always end the argument by yelling “Fine!” simultaneously

A big loss to Spelling Entertainment

Hmm Shannon Doherty is leaving Charmed because apparently she can’t get along with anyone. Maybe she’ll bring her one woman Judy Garland show to Broadway or something?

Best Graduation Ever

Donna Martin Graduates! Donna Martin Graduates!

Every summer Ben gets to go off and frolic with Felicity and I’m stuck watching re-runs of Welcome Back Kotter

Say it ain’t so

Grady from Sanford and Son is dead. I love that part he has in Boyz n the Hood. It’s supposed to be a serious scene about the degradation of the poor underclass and all you can think about is “Hey that’s Grady!”

Life lessons from my past

Noel has effectively just been dumped by Felicity. Getting dumped usually really sucks but it is especially painful if like Noel you were never really going with Felicity in the first place. Now he has to decide whether to act like Joe Cool and make Felicity want him by being scarce or to act like me and continually beg her to take him back. My favorite story about trying to reclaim my true love took place on a sunny summer afternoon. In order to best play with my head my ex claimed that she still wanted to be able to kiss me from time to time. She was fond of uttering things like “You just don’t understand how I could love you but not want to be with you.” She was right about that as I still don’t have the slightest idea of how that can be so. Anyway, on this warm afternoon we were out in a meadow by a pretty lake. My hands were under her shirt. Her hands were under my shirt. Suddenly, I decided to go lower. Immediately, she said “I’m not comfortable with that.” Withdrawing, I said “Ok they’re your rules.” Her response was “You should get to have rules too.”

To which I plaintively wondered aloud “What rules could I possibly have?”

Irony Sucks

I just moved to Chicago to trade securities of companies that have announced Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Unfortunately, before I could so much as order a copy of the Wall Street Journal my employer filed Chapter 11.

Why people laugh when I call myself a man

I just saw that episode where Chandler proposed to Monica and I’m crying – I’m pathetic!

Chandler: You make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (sob)
Joey: Can we come in we’re dying out here? (sniff)

I’m even digging them dancing to Eric Clapton and I hate Eric Clapton.

Eddie Murphy and Martin Laurence: Masters of make-up

Eddie is of course the man. People see him dressed up like a naked horny old woman and are saying to themselves wow that really looks like a naked horny old woman. Martin is like the poor man’s Eddie Murphy. Neil Diamond to Eddie’s Elvis. Eddie can only make so many movies so we have Martin to give us the B+ version. The thing I think is weird is that when you look at Martin in make up you always say God look how fake he looks, but for some reason it’s funnier because it looks so fake. They did a movie together called Life where they were made up by the same person and Martin even looked faker than Eddie in that one. This is by no means an endorsement of the movie Life. I love Eddie Murphy but the world didn’t need a black version of The Shawshank Redemption.

I sound smart but …

It took me about a thousand times to figure out that all the lyrics to his show’s theme are a guy saying Martin over and over again in variously funky ways.

Try it now!

Any of you out there trying to lose weight should probably not try to do it like Martin did by jogging in every piece of clothing he owned on the sunniest day of the year. Thank God he lived but wouldn’t it be a great movie if Spike Lee did it.

Don’t Sweat Me – A Spike Lee Joint

On the hottest day of the year
In Bed Stuy New York
A man will run with so many clothes on you’ll either think he’s stealing them or his house in on fire!

Martin Laurence – As himself
Sam Jackson – As the guy saying “What the F*** is that motherF***er  thinking?”
Ashley Judd – As the sensuous nurse
and
Randolph Mantooth – as paramedic John Gage

Soundtrack
Cold Sweat – James Brown
Sweat Georgia Brown – The Globetrotter Version
and
Lady Marmalade by Carrot Top and Flavor Flav

Spike’s my favorite film maker – His picture is up on my wall. I’m one of the twelve white people in the world who saw and understood Bamboozled. So please don’t send that to him. I want him to like me.

The Sensuous Nurse was actually a movie with an often nude Ursula Andress in it that I used to uhh uhh maybe we shouldn’t go there.

Dawson just called his dad overbearing. My God my Dad would have put me through the floorboards just like Bluto used to do to Popeye before he remembered to eat spinach.

I’m sending this to Jerry Seinfeld

I always wondered – How long does spinach take to wear off?

Why was Bluto never smart enough to take Popeye’s spinach away so he couldn’t eventually open the can with the heat of his pipe and then suck it into his mouth with the very same pipe!

A note from George Orwell

In about ten years all Popeye cartoons will be banned or air brushed because he is smoking. It’s around the corner – the Attorney General isn’t Robert F Kennedy anymore.

Is it cooler to be known by just one name – like Madonna or is it cooler to be known by your initials like FDR?

Unlikely to even earn a D in a Community College Film School

My friend just admitted to me that he loved Deuce Bigalo: Male Pet Gigolo.
I had to admit that I thought it was pretty funny, but I probably wouldn’t have passed an Olympic drug test that night. The thing I actually love about that movie is this small little gag that I thought was genius.

Whenever Deuce goes to the pet store. He asks for cold water sea snails because the pet shop girl always wears a T-Shirt with no bra and when she gets the snails her breasts push the T-shirt into the aquarium’s water. Eventually Deuce falls in love which means he’s no longer the scum he was. At the last moment Deuce needs to rush to the pet store. Time is of the essence. Nevertheless, he still is scum enough to pull the sea snail trick.

I swear I’m not a racist!

My head is shaved and when I left the theater after seeing American History X I was afraid I would get my ass kicked before they found out I was just a bald Jewish guy – a damn cool looking one though!! No one ever really takes the time to get to know me do they?

Take the skinheads bowling – take them bowling.

Wow two proposals in one night

I just saw Donal Logue on Grounded for Life say

“I do stupid things without you Claudia and I can’t afford to get any stupider.”

Sweet talking guys are so cool.

Sean – greedy or just an entrepreneur the debate continues.

Megan accuses Sean of scalping Graduation tickets.
Sean says he is providing a service.
So was Divine Brown Sean!

Who is the world’s most famous prostitute Heidi Fleiss, Devine Brown, or Xaviar Hollander?

I admit it. I’d do Heidi Fleiss if I had the chance.

The Daredevil Present

The best present I ever got was from my biggest heartbreak. Once, I had rambled on and on about an issue of Daredevil that I really identified with. It’s the one where Daredevil senses go berzerk and he is inundated with sounds, smells and textures. The cover shows him in front of an all white background balled up on his knees begging the pain to stop. I felt just like that sometimes. I tried to show her the cover in a comic shop but they didn’t have that edition. She went out months later and found a copy of it, had it enlarged and framed. I should have asked her to marry me right then and there.

Comic Book reader. Do I know how to impress the ladies or what?

Note to Spelling

Wouldn’t it be funny if they replaced Shannon Doherty on Charmed with Tiffany Amber Theissen?

Yes but how does 9/11 affect Felicity?

I swear if dear sweet Felicity was anywhere near Ground Zero, I’m going to Afghanistan and punk that Bitch myself. Otherwise I’m staying put. I’m a lover not a Patriot.

In deference to the victims in New York, Ben and Noel will no longer be referred to as the twin towers.

All About the Benjamin’s

Actual Overheard Radio Quote:  “Y’know a lot of us are worried about chemical and biological weapons in the face of last month’s tragedy and you know that stuff goes right to the liver which is why we’re talking about two of the better liver supplements that we offer to you the buying public…”

Delusional Moron of the week

Twist King Chubby Checker says that if the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame doesn’t put a statue of him up that he’s not going to let them induct him. Yo Chubs what in the world are you smoking? You had one hit song. You didn’t even write it Hank Ballard did. Be happy that Jackie Kennedy dug it, they released it twelve times and moron king Dick Clark thinks you matter. There isn’t a statue of Elvis. There isn’t a statue of Chuck Berry. Last time I checked you were eligible to be elected like ten years ago. C’mon get some perspective. You go in way way after Peter Tork of the Monkees. The only one allowed to bitch constantly about how much he gets honored is Little Richard.

Fats Domino  …. Chubby Checker   … heh heh heh who comes up with this brilliant S***

Now that I think about it

Chubby would make a good lover for Javier. Let’s see network TV’s first interracial gay love scene and then maybe we’ll talk about a little statue in his hometown. He doesn’t even have a Behind the Music episode. How does he think he’s going into the Hall of Fame?

Please God Save Her

They want to throw Rebecca Gayheart in the brig for vehicular manslaughter. Man what a waste of prime beauty. Dylan wavered for years over Shannon Doherty and Jenny Garth but he married Rebecca after like two episodes. Give her something productive to do. Have her star in Larry Flynt women’s prison movies and then let her go head to head with Halle Berry in an all girl celebrity demolition derby.

A bad sign

I just arrived in Cleveland to find that the all sport’s station has gone all Jesus all the time! Y’know, I admit we were immature high school kids arguing over who was cooler Jimi Hendrix or Pete Townshend, but the worst we did was try to hurt each other’s feelings. Maybe a house got egged but nothing was blown up. This who’s God is tougher thing has been completely played out.

Best Charity Tribute

The John Lennon tribute, which was everything good about pop music and trying to make yourself a better person even when you’re a rich guy who could have any chick in the world.

Did someone check to make sure the Baldwin brothers are safe?

One of the things I really dig about Speed Racer aside from that cool tracking shot of Speed and the Mach 5 at the beginning and the fact that Sprydle and Trixie are always hiding in the trunk is that apparently no one ever registers for the races. You can show up at the last minute in a canoe with wheels and the announcer will nonchalantly say “Driving the number 4 Red Canoe Slick Oiler!”

Why Britney Spears is not Madonna

Hey I like Baby One More Time as much as the next guy, but there’s something creepy about a Musketeer stripping off her clothes and grinding like a porn princess. Not to mention the fact that she claims she’s still a virgin and dates a guy who barely has a Y chromosome. When I see a girl grind I want to know that she understands the carnality of what she’s doing. I’m betting Britney doesn’t even masturbate. Slutty singers should come from New York Clubs not the Glee Club Picnic. Who likes to feel like a pedophile when they are watching videos with hot chicks?

Has anyone seen an episode of Miami Vice lately? Those clothes! What were they thinking? I mean we all remember how bad they were, but were they really this bad? White Pants and Pastel Hawaiian prints? Does Tubbs really think that bad Spanish accent counts as acting? Cops should dress like they do on Law and Order.

Worst Sit Com Ever

Mama’s Family hands down. I’d sit through a month of the UPN before ever checking out that episode where they go on Family Feud again.

The New Michael Jackson Video

Remember when Michael was cool and he used dancing as a way to avoid gang violence in Beat It. Now he’s strutting around like a WWF wrestler screaming and breaking glasses and mirrors like he’s Bruce Lee. Why does he think grabbing his Johnson is still cool? Can’t he afford a new choreographer? He just doesn’t get it. OK I know that pointing out that Michael looks like a ghost and doesn’t have it anymore isn’t exactly a cutting edge up to the moment observation, but I had a Jackson Five poster over my bed when I was a kid. They were the first concert I ever went to and I was convinced that my preference for them over the Osmonds meant that I was cool. It’s just so sad that’s all.

As for that Marlon Brando cameo, how is that guy still alive? He looks like he exhausts himself with every desperate breath he takes.

I could Rock the Newlywed Game

I once saw an episode of the Newlywed Game where the question was Name your husband’s favorite Steven Foster song. Wife number two said something like “I have no F***ing idea who Steven Foster is but our favorite song is YMCA by the Village People.” Husband Number Two came out and said “Stephen Foster? Did he write YMCA?” and they got 10 points for that. If I ever find a wife we’re going to choose our answers beforehand. Room – the kitchen. Band – The Bee Gees. Number – 7. Strangest place we ever did it – A city council meeting on Sex Education! You know I’ll be the proud owner of that Broyhill luxury recliner!

RIP Three Dot Column

Am I the only one who is sad that the Larry King USA Today column got dumped? I loved reading that thing and there have been probably 1500 hilarious parodies of it in other publications. Then again I never did believe that he was really reading and loving four books a week while pumping out all those babies with his 22 year old Mormon fifth wife. “The Felicity Commission – Some people say it’s humor but I know what makes me laugh … Does anyone else miss Anita Bryant … Did you see that new Carrot Top movie it looks like a real smash!!”

I’ve been watching re-runs of Press my Luck lately. Hey I know how scary that admission is … bare with me. Doesn’t it piss you off when the people playing those stupid games make even stupider decisions? I’ve seen people on Hollywood Squares who could barely play Tic Tac Toe. “Hmm I need Gallagher for the block but I just love calling on that funny Bruce Villanche!”

Drew Barrymore Really Cares

I love Drew. She had more sex and did more drugs by the age of 13 than I will do in my entire life, but what was that tortured dramatic monologue on the World Trade Center with Penny Marshall on MTV news supposed to be about? Anyone trying to make a point should not turn to Penny Marshall. Choose someone who speaks English!

A note on child rearing

Why do they teach kids so much about dinosaurs? Can there be anything less useful in life than knowledge of dinosaurs?

My favorite part of Jurassic Park is where they’re in a tree and someone is afraid that a dinosaur will eat them. Luckily Laura Dern or someone points out that this species is a plant eater and reaches out to pet the thing. I always think to myself “How sure is she about that?” I mean she’s never really seen a dinosaur before. I wouldn’t risk my hide because someone collected a couple of fossils and decided that this huge beast doesn’t eat meat.

Kevin Spacey used to be cool

A commercial for KPAX runs. I groan audibly. Wasn’t this movie called Phenomenon? Remember the one where John Travolta learned to speak Romanian in twelve seconds?

Women Get a Bad Rap

Did you ever notice that strong women are always considered to be either kooky or a bitch?

2 Responses to “Wreckage from The Felicity Commission”

  1. […] http://bradlaidman.com/uncategorized/wreckage-from-the-felicity-commission/ […]

  2. Wow, I finally found your site when the Felicity Commission crossed my mind today. I used to read them on the newsgroup and somehow ended up on your email list so they all came directly to my inbox. I always thought they were hilarious. You should definitely post all the old commisions here on your blog!

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