Everyone is angry and complaining. No one has any solutions.
You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We’d all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We’re doing what we can
But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don’t you know it’s gonna be
All right, all right, all right
But I do.
Trump says he’s “more exciting” and “a hell of a lot more dangerous” than the NFL
Obviously, but how exactly is that a good thing?
I was just driving home with the radio on listening to Trump going off on the Red Hen and I just thought to myself about Goofus and Gallant in Highlights Magazine.
If you were a kid my age and you needed to read all the time and had a doctor’s appointment even at a pediatrician, you pretty much had only two choices Golf Magazines or Highlights and the best part of Highlights was Goofus and Gallant, but only if you really thought Goofus was the way more fun guy to hang out with.
That was because Gallant was just so absurdly by the book perfect and Goofus was just a decent kid who needed someone to be mellow and tell him kids will be kids, but to chill. Being Gallant would just be a drag.
But that was back when all early morning TV was for some reason mandated to be religious. So it was either televangelists or Davey and Goliath, which was a really cheaply produced claymation sort of thing made for biblical learning, where every episode was exactly the same.
I don’t remember Davey being that bad of a kid, but every single episode he broke some minor biblical rule and as he was doing it his dog, who always spoke in a monotone would say in exactly the same way “I don’t know Davey is this what the bible would tell you to do?” And just like on 24 where no one ever believed Jack Bauer who was always right all 197 times he saved the United States, Davey would ignore Goliath and think to himself “nah surely this one is just a weird outdated technicality” and every single time it would nearly lead to nuclear disaster, which in those days might mean like being too lazy to make your bed as well as a marine. Neat, but not perfect. And I agree the best way to learn is by fucking up, but this was just absurd. Goliath must have been brilliantly trained because he had the whole bible memorized and never seemed like he was hungry ever, which makes him unlike any other dog I have ever met. Like I find Air Bud more credible than Goliath. There is probably a film about a real life dog that risked his life and saved a whole village of orphans from deadly disaster and that seems more likely than a talking dog who never wants food and has the bible memorized.
But at some point someone just needed to ship Davey off to a Christian boarding school, because if I had a talking dog that had memorized the bible, I would believe in god listen to my dog’s advice and never have any fear or angst about death ever. You know if Davey didn’t have that dog you would probably think he was the nicest kid in the world but with that dog there is no other conclusion than that Davey was just the dumbest kid of all time.
This predicts Trump down to the tiny hands reference.
Hearing Trump rag on Red Hen I finally let go of my anger towards Howard Stern. Stern supported Hillary and had millions of hours of Trump being Trump and didn’t really say much about the election. His reasoning was that Trump was just being outrageous because he was on the Howard Stern Show and he didn’t want to penalize a good guest for being over the top, but Stern was wrong. Trump wasn’t being a good guest because he got the show. Trump was really just being Trump, which he is 24-7. I knew how bad Trump was and I’d just slam him into the dirt, because Stern is really good at that and could have single-handedly changed the election because those people enough people would have listened had Stern said “Hey this guy is great fun on the air, but do you realize what a clusterfuck it would be if he really were president? That’s pretty much all it would have taken.
But Trump could still unite us all because he is the real Goofus to be worried about and as Doug Stanhope said all he wants is to be the biggest TV star in the world. Stanhope hasn’t said much about Trump, but he conjectured recently on British television that he thought Trump may ban assault weapons because he wants to be on the news 24-7 and the only time he isn’t is during a school shooting. He then accentuated his comment, by saying because that’s exactly how much of a cunt he is. He didn’t get the flak that Samantha Bee got but Trump is a man (which makes the c word always funny), he was also in England and he isn’t on television as much as Samantha Bee.
So the Apprentice did OK. They say that after getting 50k an episode after year 1, which was the first honest money he had ever made in his life, the master negotiator of all time asked for 1 million (Dr. Evil) dollars an episode, and through his rugged show of strength wound up with 60k an episode.
TV stations used to have to do public service to earn their licenses because the people own the airwaves, but everyone seems to have forgotten that.
So I finally realized just let him declare “Mission Accomplished” give him the greatest goose stepping military parade of all time. Have Colin Kaepernick lead the parade carrying the most expensive pure gold weaved tacky version of the stars of stripes in the finest made Police Uniform of all time. Ask him what police force is the most racist of all time and make him wear that city’s uniform. I say Chicago. Have Fred Hampton’s son dress as his top aide in a similar uniform just to make sure that Colin never comes close to letting the Stars and Stripes hit the ground. Hell, make Elizabeth Warren wear a Cleveland Indians Jersey with Chief Wahoo on it and a Redskins helmet.
Make every Democratic person who has ever held office do the thing that Trump would find to be the most patriotic and the thing that represents the exact opposite of what they have spent their lives fighting for good or bad. Have them all sing all three verses of the Star Spangled Banner in a whiter less hip way than Ethel Merman. Have the entire armed forces from around the world shipped in to march. Have every single weapon or armament we have in the whole world taken and deployed in this parade. Take all our nukes lined up like dominoes with wheels all painted to make Donald Trump look like he has perfect hair and the biggest hands of any man who ever lived. Have Bill Russel flown in for a hand sizing and double the size of his mitts. Make it as Monty Python’s failed Last Supper painter wanted “a real mother of a blow out”.
Michelangelo: Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real last supper. You know, not just any old last supper. Not like a last meal or a final snack. But you know, I wanted to give the impression of a real mother of a blow-out, you know?
Have the entire world there to admit that they are here illegally and have them promise to immediately leave after it is done. Give him the most sincere and loving unified Hitler salute of all Time. Have James Earl Jones up on a gigantic stage with the world’s loudest amplifier say “Thank you Donald Trump for making America Great Again!”
Then let him step down as a winner. Have Jeff Bezos give him half of his Amazon stock to pay him for his new TV show that will be on all channels and all internet sites at whatever time Fox and Friends is on now. Call it “The hilarious opinions of the world’s smartest man.” but use all capital letters and have random typos in it that vary from day to day. Let him be like Prince at the First Avenue. If he wants to do five minutes and sign off fine. If he wants to do seven hours fine.
Have everyone in America watch it religiously, I would, but just let everyone know somehow. This is the biggest Goofus of all time and he is hilarious. Make sure that everyone knows that while he may be hilarious that at all times you should Costanza it and do the opposite. It will be the greatest TV show of all time and once the really expensive set is built you don’t ever need a guest just a desk a chair and a couple of cameras. Make people pay 200 bucks to be part of the 1,000 seat studio audience. Have the biggest applause sign made out of pure neon gilded with a pure gold frame.
Then when he is asleep one night just have a huge election and redistribute the entire wealth pool of the world like the NBA lottery – a huge do over. The whole thing was a dream on Dallas and Bobby Ewing came out of the shower.
Let people of all races congregate peacefully and enjoy this dude’s hilarious observations at how backward the world once was and let him think the entire time that he is truly the King of Kings. Take all the best stuff from every religious slant and follow it and let him think that he is really Jesus.
Then we all have tons of entertainment and share and ignore what color we are and live in peace all because of Donald Trump. Have huge water coolers where everyone can agree that while he is wrong about everything but that he is fucking funnier than Richard Pryor and John Rivers’ immaculate conception.
“And the world will be as one!”
So the second thing I have is that the only David Lynch thing that I have ever seen is Dune, but I just saw that he is against all government except for stoplights.
He just said this “I’m a Democrat now,” he continued. “And I’ve always been a Democrat, really. But I don’t like the Democrats a lot, either, because I’m a smoker, and I think a lot of the Democrats have come up with these rules for non-smoking. And I don’t think that that’s necessarily so bad, but they have to give the smokers a place.”
Wow better said than Bill Hicks after a week without a cigarette. He really weighed the most important election of all time out rationally found his most important issue and voted his conscience. Let him produce Trump’s show. Have Sting just sit there and say nothing in his Dune costume and laugh at everything like Ed McMahon.
This could really fucking work so stop being so angry and consider the sheer trippyness of that show running for as long as we can keep that guy healthy.
I dare anyone to have a better plan than this!
