Castro Admits to Murdering John F. Kennedy!

HAVANA, Cuba (CNN) 

Cuban strongman Fidel Castro reappeared in public today in a weakened state to give what was for him a brief six hour speech. While Castro announced plans for Cuban agrarian reform, the aged dictator shocked the world by admitting that he planned, funded and executed the murder of former U.S. President John F. Kennedy.

Three hours into Castro’s economic review of Cuba, the dictator broke down in tears and admitted that he had long ago made a grave mistake that destabilized the world and indirectly led to the expansion of the Viet Nam War as well nearly a decade of American social turbulence. He then offered his most sincere apology to the Kennedy family and claimed that he felt serious remorse for throwing America’s first family into an ever escalating capitalist alcoholic tailspin. Sen. Edward Kennedy (D – Massachusetts) has scheduled a press conference today to comment on the Castro announcement.

According to Castro, Lee Harvey Oswald was responsible for the death of Texas Governor John Connelly, but Kennedy himself was killed when a small explosive in the President’s head was set off by a man disguised as a vagrant on what is now famously known as “the grassy knoll.” Castro further shocked his listeners when he revealed that the explosive was planted by Marilyn Monroe at his bequest after he informed her that she was cheating on the President with his brother Robert. Castro went on to say that he is unsure as to the cause of Monroe’s mysterious death, but believes that it was carried out by the President’s brother as an act of retalitation and that Robert Kennedy’s death was a hoax perpetuated by the Kennedys to forestall Chicago mobster Sam Giancana’s plans to similarly execute Kennedy upon his election as President in 1968. Castro claims that Kennedy has been living as a goat farmer in Ghana since 1974.

Christ —- I can’t go on with this any more. This has to be the weakest attempt to up my hit count yet. Far weaker than my recent publicizing of the nude photos that accompany my reviews of the movies H.O.T.S and Something Wild. This is an embarrassment, especially because eventually I’m going to have to listen that bonehead Art Bell talk about it on America Coast to Coast for the next six weeks.

Can you believe that’s the only fucking thing that’s on the radio in the middle of the night in Cleveland? Oh well, I suppose it’s better than hearing more about UFO’s and Roswell, New Mexico.

Damn, I miss Larry King. Come home Larry, the lies about Sandy Koufax are all forgiven.