Doug Stanhope doesn’t heart Dr. Drew

I’ve always been a huge fan of Dr. Drew. I loved listening to him and Adam Corolla on Loveline and I really wish there had been a person to ask questions about drugs and sex when I was a teen. He was an eloquent and frequent proponent of the “morning after” pill, and he seemed to offer sane advice, without ever seeming to look down on the people he was advising.

Plus unlike Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil – he’s actually a real doctor.

One of the more amazing parts of the show, was how quickly Drew could tell when one of his callers had been physically or sexually abused. It was almost instaneous upon hearing the voice.

I’m not really sure how I feel about his Celebrity Rehab and Sober House shows. They really do seem exploitative. The show proposes that it is a educational view of rehab, but really all anyone watches for is to see semi-famous people wreck one train after another.

Doug Stanhope is sure how he feels about Dr. Drew, and since I can’t top this rant – I’ll just produce it below.

The Biggest Public ShitWheel Soulless Fuck Of My 2008 Award

Between blackouts and sheer hatred of myself and terror of decades of blurred lines, I like to watchin me some dumb tv.
Who amongst us who live their lives in the undertow don’t love to watch those of our same breed spiral out on camera?
Intervention and Celebrity Rehab are about my two favorite shows on television. I’m tempted to say “guilty pleasures” but I’ve given girls herpes, watched my Mother commit suicide, fucked my brother’s fiance the night before seeing him graduate boot camp and 1000 other horrible things for which I am totally unconcerned. If guilt suddenly fired out of me because of low-budget cable shows, I would be concerned.

Let’s get to the Giant Shitburger of 2008 and that is Dr Drew Pinsky. Dr Drew known from Loveline, the latter-day Dr Demento for kids with transistor radios and a phone under the pillow so they don’t wake their parent, has moved from talking to teenagers about jacking off (illegal in some states) to the most uncomfortably transparent exploitation of addicts (and those who want to play one to get back on television) in “Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew.”

The fact that I watch this show at all makes any of my opinions suspect or completely negated is understandable. But the shows vulgar downfall is not the desperate egos at their bottom who are willing to spritually defecate on television – that’s the schadenfreude that makes it a hit in my book – the problem is Dr Drew Pinskey.

It’s similar to the way a Maury Povich comes across with the pretense that he is actually trying to do good for these poor unwed mothers of who-knows-who’s baby, like it’s a public service to be applauded. the problem is that nobody takes any part of those shows seriously.

Celebrity Rehab however probably leads the average numbskull veiwer to believe that Dr Drew and staff are indicitive of actual, functional rehabilition services.

Yes, usually in real rehab they take you out on Day 8 to ride motorboats with any brain-damaged Gary Busey at the wheel. It’s part of recovery. Perhaps you should vote the least-recovered off the island under the premise that it’s part of the healing process.

You fucking scumbag, I hope some Kirk Cameron goes into a seizure and dies on your show coming down from too high of dosages of Jesus and they find you standing on his neck, waving off qualified care-givers with a mini, give-away Dodgers baseball bat because you want to save the drama til the cameras get there.

You would be finally revealed for the inept, carnival sideshow barker that you are.

Steven Adler – former GnR drummer – was on the show and had in his announced”bio” that he’d been thrown out of his house by his step-father when he was 11. Watching his initial one-on-one consultation with Dr Drew was like watching a backstage view of a John Edward psychic scam where they know the dupe is so far gone that they dont even have to try to be tricky.

“Really? You’ve an addict that long? Did anything happen to you when little? Like when you were 10 or 11?”

All said like he just walked in and had no prior knowledge.

After Rodney King didn’t play into the puppet show and bring up the police beating much less blame it for his problems, Mr Drew tries to pry it out like it’s part of his diagnosis. ‘Let me ask you? (since you wont say what we need to monkey for the camera) have you ever suffered any trauma? Maybe to the head? Like being hit int the head?”

He says this as though he’s deciphered it from a few cursory questions about nothing. Meaning ” I need you to bring up your famous-thing for the show to work. Your actual problems and answers are insignificant.”

In fact, your actual problems are folly. While at the same time Dr Drew makes armegeddon statements like – “You realize if you use cocaine again you will die?” he then takes these precipice-of-terminal patients on Day 20 – as happens in most rehabilitation facilities – to be unknowinly roasted at a comedy club, getting close up reactions to the painful results.
Dr Drew, you fucking suck and although I never care to be in the television industry again, I would pay to be on your show even to edited out completely to show what a fraud you are.

The problem is that most rehab services are full of poorly-knowledged or aware staff and programs that are flawed at heart. Remember that any “12-Step” program of any kind are predicated on a belief in a god, a belief which is inherently symptomatic of mental illness.

Dr. Drew Is only a charlatan of a practice which is on par with applying leeches as medicine. Difference is Pinsky just takes the check to get people to allow leeches to be applied knowing it is of no benefit, so long as it’s caught on tape.

A&E’s “Intervention” is taking the same turn where rogue interventionist Jeff VanVonderen takes interventions into new Sheriff Joe Arpaio levels of vigilantism/blackmail. “If you refuse to accept this gift of 90 days treatment, I’ll say you fucked a kid and you’ll be put in jail. Is using drugs that important you you that you’d do 7 years in protective custody to keep snorting carpet cleaner?”

No, he never said that but they do take what the process of an intervetion would be – your family and friends will wash their hands of you – and there’s nothing wrong with that – to new extremes where they will go out of their way to fuck with parts of your life that are none of their concern in order to force you into a rehab.

If you saw the best episode – and you probably havent because you have better shit to do – the girl who huffed computer keyboard cleaner was epic. When the girl told her family in a very matter-of-fact way that she didn’t giv a fuck that they were leaving, VanVonderCunt saw that it would all be wasted tape if they didn’t get her into rehab – thats how every episode ends – so with the threats of abadonment laid empty, he questions the family what they think is truely important to her.

Her cats!

Yes, says the partial interventionist. We’ll call the cops and say that her cats are in danger from second-hand computer-cleaner fumes. Just the same as calling the cops on any person with a cat that cleans his keyboard or smokes in his own home with a baby gorilla.

Extortion.

I don’t have any guilty pleasures – or maybe all my pleasure is riddled with guilt. There is no middle ground.

If both of these people were brought to there knees and beheaded, I would say “That’s good television!”

My guilt lies in all the fantastic and good things I could be doing instead of watching things I hate and promoting them by hating them.

Maybe it’s time to start my own rehab right here at home. Only that’d require not drinking and dosing. Maybe I’ll have more ideas later.

Dr Drew, congrats that you are more famous than the guy from Intervention so you win the Award for the Guy Who I’d Love to Watch Have His Genitals Be Eaten by Pigs. I want your kids to watch. It’s the only way they could have a chance of being raised correctly.

I hate updates that are about things I hate.