Winger/Oxburger 2020

“They’re not sending us their very best”

“Stripes” was the first legitimate R rated movie I saw in a theater legally, and it is still to this day genius.

It is exactly “Full Metal Jacket” six years before “Full Metal Jacket” came out and though they say the same thing about both movies (that the first half where they are in training is brilliant and the second half where they are in combat is a let down), but in the case of “Stripes” they are totally wrong.

On its face it is supposedly a satire on the post draft all volunteer army, but it’s really just a chance for Bill Murray to mug a lot, give great speeches and hilarious one liners in the face of a lot of rules he’d rather not follow.

So let’s compare John Winger to Donald Trump

Improvisation

Without a doubt Donald Trump is hilarious and can improvise for hours on the spot.

But is he funnier and can he improvise as well as Bill Murray in his prime?

Women

Trump has one serious fatal flaw that should have kicked him in the ass, but hasn’t yet, the #metoo movement and his treatment of women. John Winger was always way over his head with women and he did it by making them want him as much as he wanted them. This scene is a 100% perfect way to initiate consensual first time sex it was totally improvised – total props to PJ Soles who had no idea what Murray was going to do for keeping up immaculately and from what I heard from her it was done in basically one take – instant perfection.

Now that scene was so perfect that the universally loved Tom Hanks did an entire movie “Bachelor Party” completely imitating through sheer will what Bill Murray did off the top of his head naturally. The movie even steals the above scene so blatantly that Murray should have sued for huge money after Hanks’ first big success in “Splash” made the essentially shelved “Bachelor Party” into another huge hit.

Now Hanks wasn’t Hanks when he filmed “Bachelor Party,” but pretty much anyone who had met him knew that he would become exactly what he has become. Hanks is that good. But in this case they basically gave him a copy of “Meatballs,” “Caddyshack,” and “Stripes” and said, “We are going to give you Adrian Zmed and Tawny Kitaen (albeit at her finest) and a bunch of other actors that make Adrian Zmed look like Laurence Olivier along with a completely tasteless script and you get to make a movie you will have to live with for the rest of your life out of it.

Now you can see from that trailer momentarily whatever implement Hanks had to use to completely steal the “Aunt Jemima Treatment” and how bad the other actors are and how tasteless the script is, and somehow given Tom Hanks’ ability the Murray Mach 1 was so lovable that Hanks actually made it out of the movie somehow smelling like a rose.

Now “Aunt Jemima Treatment” may sound racist, but it just isn’t. That was the brand you made pancakes with and Murray needed to make pancakes. The brand name was racist, but that was merely what you used for pancakes. In fact, if anything Murray is mocking the racism of the brand, which may sound weak, but Trump has race issues so we will deal with how Winger handled his.

Starting Point

Trump basically had everything the day he was born. Winger was a total loser who had skated by on charm and had a really bad day that told him he needed to lift himself up from his bootstraps and get his shit together.

First look how amazingly beautiful and together his girlfriend was, but that’s exactly how charming a loser Winger was. Second the Winger loser “theme” song heard briefly at the end of that scene is amazing as is the entire score by Elmer Berstein.

Appreciation for the arts and other cultures

Pretty easy win for Winger here

John Winger: Tito Puente’s gonna be dead, and you’re gonna say, “Oh, I’ve been listening to him for years, and I think he’s fabulous.”

Now the day Tito Puente died I was sad and do you know why? John Winger.

Tito Puente was born in the continental United States but his American parents were Puerto Ricans. Remember that makes them American too. Who would have handled that situation better? Trump tossing paper towels at people or Winger playing his Tito albums and showing the Commonwealth he appreciates their culture and doing it believably. I don’t think we need to go on further.

Patriotism

Trump skirted the draft when there was a war on. Winger joined the Army after being inspired by an Army commercial to “be all he could be.”

Now I come up short, but Winger doesn’t. I remember that commercial’s theme because the second after the disillusioned recruits sing it with depression and disdain, I knew instantly as a kid to keep watching because there was going to be an awesome nude scene where sleazy John Larroquette as Captain Stillman is about to use his hand held telescope to watch women shower. Stillman is exactly what Trump would have been if he had to be in the Army. Stillman is Trump!

He would have gone in with a high rank and been incompetent, a stickler for rules with no rules for himself, basically everything a leader shouldn’t be.

Women remember that although Winger is not above going to strip clubs he would never be as slimy as Stillman to see naked women.

Winger enlists the right way as a raw recruit even though conventional wisdom would tell him he is too old. He is so patriotic that he gets his best friend to do it too.

Ability to come clean with the past

You saw that enlistment scene. Winger was willing to share any detail when pressed. Now he’s not going to tell you the entire story unless he is explicitly asked, but if asked he will come clean.

Taxes

Trump won’t release his because they are endlessly complicated and he is always being audited. Winger has never had to spend more than 30 seconds on his and if you can find them somewhere you are welcome to them.

Attitude towards Gays

Pretty apparent as Ramis says they are “Willing to learn!” He is not gay, but he is willing to hear about the experiences of gays and even believes that they should have somewhere special they can go if they need to, perhaps a “safe space.”

Mentor

Trump’s was Roy Cohn who would easily place in the top ten of any educated poll of scholars on the most evil Americans of all time.

Winger came up with Sgt. Hulka who was tough as nails. Cohn taught Donald how to skirt responsibility. Hulka was a leader of men.

Now compare Hulka to Gny. Sgt. Hartman from “Full Metal Jacket.” When Hulka hears a joke he takes the “comedian” who can barely do five pushups and instantly makes him do 50.

When Hartman heard a joke he named that recruit “Joker” and instantly rewarded him as basically the leader of his men. Winger will become that, but Hulka will make him earn it. Also Hulka is just given every reject in the world and deals with it. Hartman got killed by a psycho that he basically turned into a psycho.

Hulka had a psycho from day one and look how easily he deals with him and shows him who is boss.

Hulka has Travis Bickle in his unit and neutralizes him instantly with three epic words that everyone now knows “Lighten up Francis”

Now who is better to deal with the problems of mass shootings? A guy trained by a dude obsessed with finding Hollywood communists or a guy trained by someone who neutralizes people with issues in less than 2 seconds?

Now Hartman would have called Dewey “Gomer Pyle” and harassed him over his weight by making him eat jelly doughnuts, while getting his whole platoon to hate him. Hulka turns that same guy into “OX” who does indeed become a “Lean Mean Fighting Machine!” OK maybe not so lean, but he didn’t go crazy and kill his leader and himself, he wound up Private Oxburger the sexiest man in the US Army.

Willingness to Lead

Trump just talked about how smart he was but waffled about running for president for years. From the start Winger was clearly the smartest one there (aside from being dumb enough to join the Army – that’s me though not true patriot John Winger) and he instantly offers to take charge in any way he can.

Notice that the guy Winger brought into the army is basically very much like Trump at first. He’s a coward who will do anything it takes to make himself look tough, but never really wanted a fair fight. When he says “I’ll be behind you ever step of the way” he means it like Trump does either behind ever single soldier way in the back where he will be the last to die or in a protected bunker somewhere watching “Fox and Friends” to see how the battle turned out for his image.

He only attacks if there are obviously no repercussions for himself. When Winger wants to go into hostile territory, because it is his duty his coward friend says this:

John Winger: C’mon, it’s Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick ’em up, we zip right out again. We’re not going to Moscow. It’s Czechoslovakia. It’s like going into Wisconsin.
Russell Ziskey: Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it!

Winger not only helps his friend find real courage, he brings out his technical genius and makes him into a superstar.

Inspirational Ability in the Face of Disunity and Racial Strife

Trump took over with the USA doing fine. When Winger joined the Army the country was at its lowest point and needed a victory especially against the Russians and a real one not just a fluke hockey game engineered by a man much smarter and ruthless than anyone alive today.

We don’t have Herb Brooks around to lead us now, but look what Winger does to inspire and rally a ragged group of losers at their very ebb, when the man who should be in charge, Hulka, is laid up. When Trump speaks people get riled up and want to kill each other. When Winger speaks, he takes a group of moron losers of every race and creed and inspires them to work together under his tutelage. He doesn’t even have a clue how to get to victory and he only has one night, but he is a strong, rugged leader and uniter of men!

Now that’s JFK or MLK worthy material so let’s print it all out:

John Winger: Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell’s the matter with you? Stupid! We’re all very different people. We’re not Watusi. We’re not Spartans. We’re Americans, with a capital ‘A’, huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We’re the underdog. We’re mutts! Here’s proof: his nose is cold! But there’s no animal that’s more faithful, that’s more loyal, more lovable than the mutt. Who saw “Old Yeller?” Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end?

[raises his hand]

John Winger: [Sarcastically] Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I’m sure.

[hands are reluctantly raised]

John Winger: I cried my eyes out! So we’re all dog faces, we’re all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We’re mutants. There’s something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us – we’re soldiers. But we’re American soldiers! We’ve been kicking ass for 200 years! We’re ten and one! Now we don’t have to worry about whether or not we practiced. We don’t have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us. Now do what I do, and say what I say. And make me proud.

1. He admits that there is a problem and disunity.
2. He admits that there is too much stupidity, and they are all guilty of it including him
3. He understands the history of America, that we are a melting pot, that we take everyone in, that we don’t make excuses or scapegoat anyone even the psycho or the moron and especially not the blacks. In fact, he truly understands America. No way would Trump admit that Vietnam was a loss either he thinks we won that thing going away or he is willing to lie about it. Winger embraces our imperfection.
4. EVERYONE of them is an American! It’s not how you got there. It’s not who your father was. It’s not the color of your skin. He reminds us that we are all American soldiers and that we’ve been kicking ass for 200 years! He doesn’t need to make America great again. He knows that America has always been great and has done nothing, but become better because we are all mutts and we were all kicked out of everywhere else in the world. He takes refugees and turns them into Americans willing to work their asses off to in one night achieve the sheer impossible and he is willing to get in there and lead by doing the dirty work too. There’s something wrong, but he wants to unite and do the impossible, to find what is there and make it great through hard work together not by blaming the rest of the world.
5. He starts out with blacks and whites about to kill each other in fact everyone wants to kill everyone else, but he instantly tells them to stop it and brings them all together. Colin Kaepernick would follow that man into battle because he knows the second that guy is in charge all the stupid shit ends!
6. John Winger understands the true American dream in ways that Trump has never even taken his eyes off of a cheeseburger long enough to even consider. He wants his united America to make him proud that he is one of them. Everyone! All together as one with him at the front not hiding at a golf club or lurking in the bushes. He riles people up to be their best not to blame others for their mutual issues!

Results

Winger does not need a military parade! There is already a military parade and they worked so hard that they almost miss it. They don’t need fancy uniforms. They have an excuse, but they are not going to use it. They are going to be the best there in a moment’s notice with no need to wear something fancy. They are ready and prepared to beat any problem. They will be the best by so far that they need no razzle dazzle, but why not show it to the world just in case!

What has been returned? Excellence, Unity, Leadership, Flair and best of all finally FUN!

“Gentlemen, it’s party time Italian Style!”

And they will be welcomed by our friends with open arms.

Getting a Real Win in the Books vs. Our Toughest Rivals

I’m not going to ruin the climax for you (actually I couldn’t find it on YouTube. I blame this on the myth that the post parade part of the film isn’t as perfect as what came before), but rest assured there is total victory and much ass has been kicked, without any posturing just action if and only if morally necessary because you stole the SUV and the idiot in charge screwed the pooch trying to cover his ass without any ability or bravery!

Sure it’s an absurd skirmish, but still a more credible W than Grenada was.

New National Anthem

Look everyone has known forever that “The Star Spangled Banner” has issues unless Marvin Gaye sings it. Its melody was stolen and has tons of awkward, uncomfortable words. Trump rallies steal Rock songs from artists who disagree with him. Winger’s Anthem has no need for words. It is stirring and perfect. It gets you riled up for any sporting event. With this you need no more wars.

January 22, 2001

Cost

Really though in the end it all comes down to money even under President Winger!

How much will true freedom cost?

It’s a 37 year old movie you can own it for less than ten bucks and if you want you can get the extended version which features even more gratuitous nudity (Albeit a very funny scene where P.J. Soles’ Stella is extraordinarily topless, while Winger is more interested in jumping on the bed like a championship trampoline artist to amuse her than he is on actually making love to her. Even by the time he gets over to her he’s still more interested in her having fun than being overwhelmed by lust.), and an LSD fueled attempt to go AWOL that finds our loser heroes somehow in Cambodia and close to smoking their last ever fatty.

How valuable is that skill right now? The ability to deal with South America that well after our years of raping them for their natural resources. Winger knew his South American music!

Of course, that’s not John Winger telling you to dig all the nudity, it’s me and there is a lot of it.

Why is Dewey VP?

We need a tech guy like Ziskey to be chief of staff.

A true VP needs to be able to take on the heavy lifting. He has to be a lean, mean, fighting machine!

Dewey Oxburger: It doesn’t seem fair.

John Winger: FAIR? Who cares about fair? The world isn’t fair. Truth is fair. Is it fair that you were born like this? NO! They’re not expecting somebody like you in there, Ox. They’re expected one of these slugs. You’re different. You’re weird. You’re a mutant. You’re a killer. You’re a trained killer. You’re a LEAN… MEAN…

Dewey Oxburger, John Winger: FIGHTING… MACHINE!”

Dewey Oxburger: I’LL DO IT!!!

Back to the Women’s Issue

Now there is infinitely too much gratuitous nudity in Stripes for me to even get my strong willed, independent niece to watch this with me ever!

But you have to understand 1981. There wasn’t free porn around everywhere. The sheer transformation of John Winger into a true American Hero had to come with some immaturity before it was realized. The Army at the time was a boy’s club, but Winger evolved like all true heroes do and ended that shit. He and his once flaky pal wound up with the two smartest most efficient people that the military had at the time and understood their greatness and what had to change.

Who were the true heroes that took a shady low life like John Winger and made him into a true American leader?

They encountered two colossal screw ups with nothing but charm, and somehow bailed them out of immaturity over and over and over again until they reached their full potential. When the shit went down, they were there with them every single step of the way as not only total equals, but actually superior molders of immature men, which is mostly what America has needed since its inception.

They just know that to be elected President it takes a ton of charm and rock star charisma.

Did John Winger start out as a lazy pig? Without a doubt, but who is the smartest character in Pulp Fiction and perhaps any movie ever?

Jules Winnfield, who was a cold blooded killer making his way through a jungle infested world when he suddenly had a moment of clarity and put his gun down and walked the earth in peace and ended up alive and well. Trump would call him a bum (in fact early in “Stripes” Winger is called the exact same thing but an uptight, rich old lady), but he forgave all previous hostilities and forgot the past and found peace, and what did he say?

Jules: Well we’d have to be talkin’ about one charming motherfuckin’ pig. I mean he’d have to be ten times more charmin’ than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I’m sayin’?

Who is the most charming motherfuckin’ pig of all time?

A True Equal as First Lady?

Evolved and Wiser by Listening to Bob Dylan?

Can you truly think of any better description of what this country needs right now than “Shelter from the Storm”? The Storm our current president is scaring the world by predicting.

There is really no debate here. What AMERICA needs is JOHN WINGER IN 2020!!!!