Another stolen story too good not to steal


I copied this from the Book of Lists for a friend a long time ago.

This is the story of the third most indestructible person of all time Michael Malloy. The first is obviously Keith Richards although with the recent Rodney King shooting he seems like a good choice too.

In 1933, a down-and-out drunken Irishman became the victim of an extraordinary series of murder attempts. Malloy was a bum, who frequented the speakeasy of one Anthony Marino in the Bronx. Marino and four of his friends, themselves hard up, had recently pulled off an insurance scam, murdering Marino’s girl friend and collecting on her policy; pitiful Michael Malloy seemed a good next bet.

The gang took out three policies on him. Figuring Malloy would simply drink himself to death, Marino gave him unlimited credit at the bar. This scheme failed – Malloy’s liver knew no bounds. The bartender, Joseph Murphy, was in on the plot and substituted antifreeze for Malloy’s whiskey. Malloy asked for a refill and happily put away six shots before passing out on the floor; after a few hours, he perked up and requested another drink. For a week Malloy guzzled antifreeze nonstop. Straight turpentine worked no better, and neither did liniment laced with rat poison.

 A meal of rotten oysters marinated in wood alcohol brought Malloy back for seconds. In an ultimate moment of culinary inspiration, Murphy devised a sandwich for his victim: spoiled sardines mixed with carpet tacks. Malloy came back for more. The gang’s next tactic was to dump the drunk into a bank of wet snow and pour water on him, on a night when the temperature had sunk to -14 degrees Fahrenheit. No Luck. So Marino hired a professional killer, who drove a taxi straight into Malloy at 45 MPH, throwing  him into the air – then ran over him again for good measure. After a disappearance of three weeks, Malloy walked into a bar, told the boy’s he’d been hospitalized because of a nasty car accident, and was “sure ready for a drink.” Finally the desperate murderers  succeeded – they stuffed a rubber hose into Malloy’s mouth and attached it to a gas jet until his face turned purple. The scheme was discovered, and four members of the five-man “Murder Trust” (as the tabloids dubbed Murder & Co.) died in the electric chair. One New York reporter speculated that if Mike Malloy had sat in the electric chair, he would have shorted out every circuit in Sing Sing.

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