If I ran Poker News


If I ran PokerNews

Today my minions will be snooping around the Rio going from table to table to give you the best coverage of events no one outside of the final table members’ closest relatives and Mike Matusow will ever discuss again.

Today’s Event is the $2,000 No Limit Hold’em Day II! This is not to be confused with any of the other 22 $1500 No Limit Events with like 3,000 people jammed into tents. This is the $2000. It’s classier fare. It’s not a $5000, but that extra $500 does buy you a whole better class of people.

Today’s words of wisdom from Mike “The Mouth” Matasow

“Everyone goes on a bad run. Sometimes it takes ten years, but everyone goes on a bad run that they could never have imagined.”

$1500 Frenzy causes delays!

OK, now those rabble rousers I was talking about earlier? Their insanity is now delaying our event for like 2 HOURS! Jesus, I have places to be. Eventually, the unwashed in today’s $1500 will set a record with over 3000 people. That’s like over 300 tables. I could figure it out exactly for you but I’m still tired from losing $500 at Caesar’s all night, so if you really need to know then you can divide 9 into 3000 and you can deal with the repeating decimals.

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I tricked you

Most poker updates have time tags. Like “45 minutes ago.” We don’t because we want you to be confused and constantly clicking on things and refreshing to up our hit count

OK, yawn, it’s a couple hours later and we’ve got cards in the air. Chris “Jesus” Ferguson has just picked up five playing cards and slit the jugular veins of Howard Lederer, Erik Seidel, Doyle Brunson, and then in one defiant yell in that voice nearly nobody ever heard, he used the fifth card on himself! Oh the humanity. This is this is just horrific … cue the Hindenburg radio recording that would cheer you up when compared to this. A coup has just taken place in the Poker World before our very eyes and with the death of its leader no one is really sure why or who benefits besides Phil Hellmuth. Eskimo Clark passed out and then after waking up demanded that all the bodies and blood be swept away and let’s finish with the god damned Poker Tournament!

Not wanting to see a sixth death in one day, which he figures would look really bad on his resume, a one day fluke death of five is understandable, but then to have a second event on the same day is really tacky and shows a lack of force that Patton would have never put up with. Commissioner Jeffrey Pollack calls for resumed play.

OK, and on to the poker.

There were 2,038 entrants in this event, and 142 survived to Day Two. They are already in the money, and the early bust outs today will receive $4,451. Let’s Rock and Roll.

Table 8 is Short-Handed

Does anyone out there really give a … that one of like 7,000 poker tables filled with volatile maniacs who expect to be treated like royalty for their purchased right to make Phil Hellmuth richer is uneven? Oh my god, one of the tables has less than the requisite number of seats at the table. This is the end of life as we know it! I personally doubt it, but really if you’re at home refreshing this page every thirty seconds and not getting paid by some other media outlet to do it, you really need to get out and try to meet some women. There are about 10 really hot women here right now and like 7,000 guys trying to impress the one that doesn’t already have a boyfriend. If Mike Matusow really wants to get his finances in order, he should really cozy up to some of the rich widows playing the events this year. There’s serious cash to be had there and it’s not demeaning at all. I get the feeling that Mike doesn’t date, and if he does every once in a while have a prospect that he insists that they spend their first night watching a mid-season hockey game that he has like 15 large on.

Shout-out to Barry

You’re a genius with this I teach young attractive Asian women how to make it in the poker world. Exactly, what I would do if I could make some money at the game. I hear swing dancing is still a really good way to meet women, too.

Bracelet-Winner James Mackey Eliminated in 138th Place ($4,451)

I’m feeling a little bad about calling this guy Opie for a week because he looks like a clone of Ron Howard in 1967. But he has $700,000 now, rumors that in the meantime I’ve been buying him massage time, and smiling attentively every time I see him pass by are completely unfounded.

142. Rob Sterken – $4,451
141. Tim Stearns – $4,451
140. Efrain Lopez – $4,451
139. Garrett Crane – $4,451
138. James Mackey – $4,451
137. Jonathan Gray – $4,451
136. Santeri Valikoski – $4,451
135. Bruce Williams – $4,451
134. Ly Le – $4,451
133. An Vuong – $4,451

Anyone out there heard of any of these other dudes? I haven’t. Garrett Crane’s name sort of reminds me of Garrett Morris, the token Black guy of the original Saturday Night Live Cast. It wasn’t his fault he was really funny, not Eddie Murphy funny, but at least Dana Carvy funny. “Beisbol been berry berry good to me!” Can you imagine them getting away with that back then? If Don Imus had just quoted that sketch, he would have been lynched.

Check out Garrett’s Wiki entry. It’s good stuff especially this part:


In the late 1970s, he began to freebase cocaine on a regular basis, and began to experience hallucinations and symptoms of paranoia, telling other cast members and writers that an invisible hypnotist robot was following him. This culminated in a bizarre outburst in front of Kirk Douglas during rehearsals for a sketch in February 1980, when Morris allegedly stripped to the waist and began to scream at the top of his lungs.

My favorite Chico bit was where he was doing sports on Weekend Update and wasn’t allowed to talk about a paternity case. While commenting on Darrell Dawkins shattering a glass backboard he said something like “Why do they make backboards out of glass? Why not out of steel or brick, but not rubber … rubber breaks … but I can’t talk about that.”

I bet Garett could do a killer Elix Powers. We should really get him down here.

Some more people I’ve never heard of have been eliminated.

Let’s discuss a hand in depth. Earlier tonight I was playing 2 5. The flop came out JJJ. Dude bets 50. Guy raises to 150. Dude re-raises to 250. Guy goes all in for another three hundred. Dude folds. Guy shows 3 5. First hand he had played. Guess he wanted to buy some advertising. How come I never get paid $300 for advertising? I’ve even offered to sell my services at the table to others. In exchange for some money, I talk non-stop about what a terrific poker player he is and how he secretly plays in the big game, and how I’d never be caught dead going up against him in a big pot. That’s gotta be worth a couple blinds an hour doesn’t it?

Jennifer Tilly vs. Jordan Morgan

Have we mentioned how much we love Jennifer Tilly around here? Jennifer Tilly makes Jesus Ferguson look like a lawn gnome. In Jennifer and Shannon Elizabeth, we have perhaps 50% of the reason that Mr.Skin.com has made that scary dork with the dirty movie collection rich beyond belief.

Shannon is really fun because she basically gets eliminated in the first 12 minutes of each tournament she enters. Some have accused her of being a bad player. I, though, am convinced that she’s sick of poker and that Jeffrey Pollack pays her double her entries to show up and reduce all the homosexual tension in the room.

Jennifer is even better because she has had a lot of success. People at home argue about whether she can play or not or if her bracelet gets her any respect from Devilfish Ulliot or Howard Lederer. She’s like Phil Hellmuth or Howard Cosell, everybody’s talking about her. Plus you know, Phil Laak is feeling extra happy to be walking around with an actress, while most of the other guys are playing Magic in the corner between tournaments. Then again knowing Phil, he probably envies the Magic guys.

The people worth getting updates on

Ok, let’s see. All the chicks: the hot ones; the ugly ones; the old ones; the young ones. Why? Because both my partner Anthony and I have the maturity IQ of a seven year old and it plunges even more when we are together.

Ok, the chicks, Hellmuth, Matusow, Doyle, Daniel, Phil, but not Antonio, Tony G, and Marcel Luske because he likes to sing Barry Manilow. That’s it.

I’m sure Allen Cunningham is a genius, but he looks like the son of my mother’s accountant. It would be hard for me to care less about how he’s doing unless he busts first with some idiotic bluff that didn’t have a prayer of working.

Justin Shronk Eliminated in 81st Place ($7,233)

I’m going to be representing this guy in the future. His last name sounds like it’s going places. Kind of Mixed Martial Artists. We’re ready for a guy who plays championship poker and still manages to kick ass in the octagon!

Chip Counts

Ok, anyone who wants a chip count feel free to click on your chip count icon. Then flip back and forth and back and forth so our hits go up. Please, we have mouths to feed.

Jennifer Tilly Takes a Hit

Jennifer Tilly lost about 70,000 on a three-way all-in situation.

A three-way-all-in, is that sexy or what!!!!

Some other hands happen

How could you possibly be interested in any of them when Jennifer Tilly is currently in a three-way-all-in?!!

Jennifer Tilly Doulbes Through Klein Bach

What? Is that code? Does Doulbes mean the same thing to the kids today that Jazz and Rock and Roll did? Hopefully, that’s a typo and I haven’t lost all touch of the earth as it currently is.

Hey, there’s Phil Hellmuth!

Phil isn’t in this event, but he’s having a great tournament. His 11th bracelet; Losing more in insurance bets during an event to Phil Ivey than he won in the event itself,; A spat with Phil Gordon, a spat with Justin Bonomo, a spat with “Crazy” Mike Thorpe. Phil is hitting on all cylinders this year.

Updated Chip Counts

The chip counts have been updated again, and Amato Galasso (1,260,000) has doubled into the lead, followed by Klein Bach (1,150,000) and Anna Wroblewski (1,000,000).

Wow, remember when America produced the best poker players? How come the same writers who hate people for disliking the NBA for being too Black, can also bemoan the loss of great American tennis players? We’re basically allowed to hate other people as long as they are a country and not a race with a relatively large local urban population.

Can’t we all be like John Lennon, and by that I mean embrace love and not going out and shooting at famous people, not that I don’t know a couple that I wouldn’t miss all that much. Barbra Streisand, Antonin Scalia, Dick Clark. I’m not saying that you should, but if it were me I’d start there. Speaking of which:

Joel Siegal died today.

I’m sure Joel was a nice guy, but really he was pretty much the worst film reviewer in the history of the world and when you are that bad it has to be noted honestly – no major newspaper would print it but he was just a preening shill.

This guy would swoon over any big budget movie – they probably invited him to a dinner or two. If the movie had a huge budget and was sinking like a stone, you were sure to see something like this:


Slip, Sliding, Summer Fun for the Whole Family! : Joel Siegal, Good Morning America.

It’s probably Joel’s fault that I had this phone conversation with my father:

Dad: We just saw a terrific move!
Me: Please don’t say Bi-Centennial Man.

The end is like a bad beat story you’ve heard before.

So goodbye Joel, say hello to Don Ho for us. Joel walked out of Clerks 2 recently because of the bestiality involved in the film. I’m sure Joel won’t be going to hell, but I wonder, if he did, would he have to sit and watch Clerks 2 on an endless loop over and over again? Really is there any movie you could watch over and over again without going insane? Maybe, Point Break – I gotta watch that thing every time I see that it’s on. I’ve seen the end 97 times I’ve seen the beginning maybe once.

Gary Busey: Hey, Utah! Two! Two Meatball Sandwiches! And some Lemonade!

Keanu Reeves: Dude, I am a FBI Agent!

Final Chip Counts

They’re still over there on our chip count icon, but really there is a still an hour to play. I’m going to go home, take a nap for a few hours, and then wake up and input the final table. I’m guessing a lot of hands of poker will be played. Some drunk guy will scream, show his ass, or knock over Phil Hellmuth’s chips while he’s in a hand.

Go watch the Poker after Dark episodes with Mike Matusow, Phil Hellmuth and Tony G. You’ll die laughing. Then try to watch the ones from the week before with Chris Ferguson and Chris Moneymaker and not becoming so bored that you want to rip off your ears without a local.

Actually, don’t wake me unless someone I’ve heard of who has a personality is at the final table. I’ll be sneaking into the Mirage pool tomorrow; please all of you stop by and say Hello!

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