Ok I know this is going to get out anyway so I figured that I might as well give out my side of the story first. After nine days of hard work I was fired from my job as web surfer trainee at iNetNow.com. Here are the relevant details as I see them.
I really wanted to work for an internet company, but I’m not really sure what I am qualified for so I took a low paying job as an internet surfer at iNetNow.com. I figured that I would get out of the house, make some money, maybe meet some girls, maybe parlay it into a real job.
iNetNow’s business model is as follows. They train people to be really good web surfers. Eventually they believe that they will get customers to pay them 75c a minute to look up information for them on the web while they are on the phone. I never really felt this to be a great idea but their human resource person was really hot, had been a Pearl Jam groupie, and never seemed to wear a bra.
I soon was a little reticent about the job because I realized that I would be commuting about an hour each way to work there. My Mustang gets horrible gas mileage so it barely seemed worth my time working for eleven bucks an hour, but I didn’t want to be a quitter.
The person in charge of my training was a guy named Bo Ryan. He was from Utah and was a very gung ho team corporate type of guy. After one week he called me outside to give me an evaluation. He told me that he was passing me on to the second week, but that he was really ticked off that I seemed to spend a lot of time out of my seat, talking to people. I responded that since the place was filled with the video games Tron and Galaga, and that I had been there over a half an hour without anyone giving me something to do, and that I happened to notice that everyone else who was downstairs was playing with Pez dispensers that I figured maybe I should just get to know everybody. I don’t think he really liked me. I actually was working pretty hard trying to fit in. Meanwhile I had to hear their recruiter call like forty people a day telling them what a laid back cool company it was all the while having Bo Ryan way up my ass. It seemed like a contradiction. The rest of the people were nice to me though and I had high hopes that things would get better if I could just make it through the two week training period. I have noticed that I am not a really good apprentice – I admit sometimes I have a bad attitude and I get bored easily.
On the Friday in question, there was a TV crew at the company. They were doing a piece on the company for I think Reuters or something. So Bo Ryan instructed me and Travis the other trainee to alternate calling the call center so it would look like they had some business. Note: Travis is a twenty year old who drinks a lot and wants to one day be a sports agent.
Travis had no idea what to ask, but I was filled with stuff. I called and asked what John Lennon’s middle name was and what he changed it to, I asked for the members of the Rutles, and then I asked for some lyrics to a favorite Aimee Mann song. Travis suggested that he might ask for the lyrics to his favorite song “Back dat azz up” by Juvinile. I counseled him that I felt that it would be inappropriate to ask for an answer that would include profanity in front of the TV crew. Travis agreed. I have no real idea why I did it but I swear I thought it would be innocent and cute and had no ill will toward anyone. After about an hour of this nonsense I remembered a fun site where they sell the Real Doll. The Real Doll is a life-size sex doll that sells for like 6000 dollars or something. It has a really funny Frequently Asked Questions section where they discuss cleaning and other fun subjects. So fool that I was I called up. As Bob Newhart used to say it went something like this.
iNetNow Surfer: Hi this is iNetNow can I have your name or account number.
Brad: Hi my name is Laidman and my pin number is 1234
Surfer: Great what can I do for you?
Brad: Can you tell me the price of a real doll with three inputs?
Surfer: Sure just one second …. uhh I can’t give you that information.
Brad: Ohh drag I thought you’d get a laugh out of it
Surfer: Uhhh well I thought it was funny but Jacob wants you to know that he is really mad at you
I had never met Jacob but by the time the surfer told me that Jacob was mad he had run down the stairs and across the building and was now at my desk yelling at me.
I then e mailed my friends Ron and Beth to see how bad of a transgression I had made. I saw Bo Ryan and a woman in an office looking at me and having a serious conversation. I was a bit nervous. A half hour later Bo Ryan looking very happy led me into an office where this girl I had developed a crush on named Jill and Jacob informed me that I had shown very poor judgment in front of the TV crew and that since I was on probation that they were letting me go. I said that I was sorry, inquired about my paycheck, and left the building in disgrace.
For a moment I considered asking Jill out but I felt that the likelihood of success made the possibility of more rejection unappealing. Later I realized that I should have threatened to tell Reuters that they were faking their way through the TV piece, but actually I think Jacob blowing his cool let the cat out of the bag.
I want everyone to know that I in no way meant harm to anyone and that I just wanted to give everyone a chuckle. I bear no ill will to anyone at iNetNow with the possible exception of Bo Ryan who seemed a little too pleased to see me go. I am now once again accepting job offers and I am taking this much better than the time I got fired on my birthday from US Merchandise in Cleveland