Of Course Scott Baio is 45 and Single

The weakest idea for a reality show yet. Therapy or bragging?


I was 16 in 1982 when Scott Baio appeared in the movie Zapped, with Willie Aames, whose IQ decreased by close to 100 points from Eight is Enough to Charles in Charge. Zapped was an awful movie and yet any male of my generation has seen it or at least the last ten minutes of it about 85 times on cable television. In Zapped, Baio had to deal with the unexpected onset of telekinetic power. This led to him having the ability to make women’s clothes fly off of their bodies as if they were Elvis caught in the middle of a crowd of teen girls in the 50’s.

Apparently, in real life Scott Baio also wields this awesome power, having since then slept with essentially 2 out of every 3 hot blonds, who had ever for a moment lived in or briefly visited Hollywood during that time period.

When I see a celebrity reality show, I want to see people who are coked out of their minds like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, or I want to see a couple who never had much of a mind in the first place Jessica Simpson’s Newlyweds and Britney Spears’ Chaotic. What I don’t need to see is a guy like Baio who has lived the life of Mick Jagger minus the art.

On the show Baio is so upset that he’s forgotten to get married and have kids that he hires a life coach to find out why he is alone. In Baio’s case, alone is yet another pretty blond girlfriend, who has pasted together a heart mural filled with photos of her and Scott deeply in love. I’m supposed to feel sorry for Scott Baio, who tells us that he once slept with an entire year of Playboy playmates? I’m single too and I’d be overjoyed with literally just a month or two of that life.

Scott’s life coach advises Scott to give up sex for two months and go back and visit all of his conquests and ask them what went wrong in their relationship. He finds that every single answer is exactly the same. Scott found someone else to be with. “I’m sorry honey, but your Centerfold was three months ago and I really need to keep up with the times

Scott Baio never had any relationships because Scott Baio was sadly too busy living the life of a God. Maybe I sound like I don’t believe in the deep and passionate love two people can share. I do, but clearly Scott doesn’t because he had ample opportunities to choose it instead of the Dionysian path that he instead followed.

But here’s the most unfair aspect of Scott Baio is 45 and Single. When Scott goes back to visit one of his old flames, a picture of the woman when she dated Scott flashes on the screen. In every single case, while Scott Baio still looks like he is 22, the woman he formerly dated has aged severely and for the worse. Unbelievably, there is not one scene of Scott Baio breaking into hysteric tears about the huge mistake he has made letting this wonderful woman slip through his fingers, although he was nice enough to bring one of his exes some Kentucky Fried Chicken. If you are constantly infuriated about the fact that men seem to age better than women, Scott Baio is 45 and Single is the show for you.
Eventually, I see Scott marrying and having kids and then cheating on his wife constantly, which has always been the way for big time male sex symbols. As Chris Rock says a “man is basically as faithful as his options.”

Let’s take the premise of the show seriously. What would have happened if Scott Baio had slowed down and gotten married ten or fifteen years ago? With his inability to stay faithful, he’d have squandered two thirds of all that Charles in Charge money on alimony and child support payments. If Johnny Carson had been Scott Baio’s life coach Baio’s two month vow of chastity would have lasted 12 minutes.

I’ve seen so much fraud on reality show that I wouldn’t be surprised that Scott Baio slept with his fairly attractive life coach during his supposed vow of chastity.

Most offensive premise for a reality show ever, and that includes Man vs. Beast and the one with the little people. Scott Baio regrets about as much of his last 20 years as George Clooney has.

Van Halen has reunited and is going out on tour. Where is David Lee Roth is 52, Single and Proud of It.

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