Screw Thanksgiving

I’m not a big fan of this holiday.

I’ve mostly been single, in a different state from my family and opposed to cooking so Thanksgiving has mostly either meant

 1. I’m strolling around town desperate for food and everything but the convenient mart is closed


2. Been guilted into attending someone else’s family feast.

I don’t really want to spend that much time with my own family. Spending time with someone elses is usually even worse, especially given the fact that just about no one really wants to be there, but god help the world if someone spends Thanksgiving alone.  Everyone usually winds up watching a horrible NFL game together. The NFL knows that it has a captive audience so why schedule something interesting on that day? Traditionally, the Lions always play and the Lions traditionally suck. John Madden and his bio engineered multiple leg turkeys are usually not nearly enough entertainment for me.

One year I was alone in Chicago having a nervous breakdown, while my girlfriend in California made an entire extra Kosher turkey for some Jewish guy she invited over. What part of that sentence isn’t horrific?

One year a nice guy I worked with from Oklahoma invited me to spend the holiday with his mother and him. The main topics of conversation were Bass Fishing and all the types of different foods I refuse to try.  Are you sure that you want absolutely nothing but dry turkey?

The worst year was 1987. My friend’s girlfriend soon to be wife, eventually to be ex-wife invited me over. That night I began to have stomach pains and wound up in the hospital. Eventually, I had to have my bowel resected.

Having my bowel resected was great fun. I was in the hospital for like two weeks, the majority of which I was allowed no food at all. I had been working out like a demon and had bulked up to about 180. My stomach was ripped, which turned out to be painful because they cut right into my belly. One night I had muscle spasms right in the area that you do sit ups for. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life and it lasted for about an hour before they could find someone to let them shoot me up with drugs. It was like intense stomach buckling pain, can’t catch my breath, intense stomach buckling pain … etc. You definitely don’t want to be in the hospital having a nurse sitting by your bed asking you if you want to prey to God to make the pain stop. Eventually, my weight fell to 120 and I had to eat nothing but those chocolate protein drinks for like a month.

So I appreciate the day off of work and all, but really I have little use for the whole process. Besides, I’m usually of the upbeat opinion that I have less to be thankful for than any person on the face of the earth and well nothing really reminds you that you are all alone more than Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. It’s fine with me if we skip them all next year.

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