See – this is the sort of stuff I worry about for like a second, giggle and then quickly move on. What if there is a heaven or a hell and when you die you get to meet all of the people who previously lived on earth? Everyone always talks about meeting dead celebrities that way, but if you think about it you’d have to mire your way through a billion or so people that lived in the dark ages and how fun would that be? Can you imagine though, how embarrassed you would be to meet all of those intellectual giants of the pasts and have nothing to talk about besides Fox Celebrity Boxing, Survivor, and the Jerry Springer show. I can just see Plato and Da Vinci staring at you and mumbling something like “You had the technology to convey picture and sound to any person anywhere on the planet and that is what you used it for?” Couldn’t you see Nietzsche going over to Hitler and saying “Jesus you were right.”

Personally, I wouldn’t be all that embarrassed. I would tell those cranky geezers. Look all you people ever did was worry about a bunch of really hypothetical crap while the world around you hated and killed each other. In our society, we ignore all of those higher pursuits, watch a bunch of old Good Times episodes and don’t so much as hurt a fly. If Jerry Springer’s rating were like 1,000 times higher, I bet there would finally be peace on earth.

Yassar Arafat: Are these real people or do they get actors?

Ariel Sharon: No, I actually believe that they are real people!

Arafat: Hey, pass the weed and the Doritos. I want to get real toked up before Judge Judy comes on.

Sharon: What time is South Park on?

The difference between me and my Latin teacher

Latin Teacher: Today we will be discussing Plato

Brad: Dana?

Why they really killed Socrates 

My Latin teacher did the best to convince me and my friends that Socrates was more Jesus than the real Jesus. They like to tell you that he was sentenced to death for inflaming the minds of the young men of Greece with difficult ideas. I’ve done a little reading on this guy and without a doubt, the guy was a complete asshole. He didn’t get along with anyone. He hated democracy. He mocked people who were trying to improve themselves with education. He never tipped.

Now all the Latin teachers will try to tell you that he refused to escape because he felt it was more important to die for freedom of thought. To me though, there is no doubt in my mind that this guy had an ego the size of the Incredible Hulk and knew how cool it would make him seem to die like an fierce martyr. Those Greeks didn’t really want to kill him they just wanted him to get his ass out of town, but he was just too bothersome to do it for them.

I don’t think they put him to death for his ideas at all. It was for having sex with young boys. See the Latin teachers like to forget about that stuff or brush it aside. Hey I saw it in the Book of Lists you’re not fooling me for a second. If he pulled that stuff in America today, we’d hang him up too as long as he wasn’t a Catholic Priest, in which case it would go on ignored for years.