That’s supposedly Florida QB Tim Tebow’s girlfriend.

I just heard a clip of a reporter asking Tebow if he was saving himself for marriage. He and the other reporters all started to giggle. I thought Tebow was about to say – “have you seen my girlfriend in a bikini?”, but apparently he’s very religious and he followed it up with a firm, “Yes, I am”.

Tim Tebow – you’re a far better man than I!

One of us is going to be extremely pissed on judgment day.

Any inference that the fine lady above is of anything less than pristine moral character is denied wholeheartedly.

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or I guess he still does, but needs to see his 1300 kids leave home before pursuing it with abandon.

I have no interest in Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes news, but I’m still pretty fascinated with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

The other day I heard Quentin Tarantino talking about smoking hash with Brad on the Howard Stern Show. I shook my head a bit wondering if I really heard what I thought I heard. The next day I found out that Pitt had just a few days earlier been on Real Time with Bill Maher discussing his former drug use. When I saw the clip, there was Maher regaling Pitt with respect for his joint rolling capabilities.

This has to have been a conscious choice by Pitt to discuss legalization. I don’t care how wild and crazy you think Bill Maher is, you don’t just start discussing Brad Pitt’s drug use with him on your live television show unless he’s well on board with the agenda. Pitt told Maher, that he’d stopped smoking marijuana once he became a father, but seemed pretty prepared to shake people up. In the span of maybe 20 seconds, Pitt declared himself anti-religion, pro gay marriage, and for the legalization and taxation of marijuana – an agenda he referred to as the “Bill Maher going straight to hell campaign.”

I loved it. He sounded like a calm Bill Hicks. You either understand freedom or you don’t. I was pretty impressed with the entire interview.

My find of the day though was this quote about the old Pitt lifestyle.

“It has been previously and widely reported that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were “hooked” on marijuana. As reported by the tabloids, the Pitts’ idea of a perfect night is getting high together at home. They allegedly smoke every day, and are open about their marijuana use and are happy to smoke in public or at parties. Rumor has it that the pair were stoned when they met with then-President Bill Clinton.”

Now that to me is the life. If I had that, and you told me that I’d leave that for someone else, I’d laugh in your face. The person who tops that would have to have superpowers or something.

I’ve been into Angelina ever since I saw Hackers, which is still my favorite of her looks. The Billy Bob thing seemed sort of creepy, but wild and entertaining. At that time, I’d ask myself, “is she just seriously messed up or just that full of wild, freaky sexual abandon?”  

Since then she’s somehow morphed into a world crusader and super mom, all the while keeping her acting market value in peak condition. She sort of seems less fun, but she at least seems sincere and grounded.

The people who loudly proclaim that celebrities shouldn’t use their fame to make bold political statements are as you would probably expect, usually merely people who disagree with that celebrity’s politics.

You didn’t hear those guys saying that Ronald Reagan should have stayed in Hollywood and kept his mouth shut.

Celebrity is power. The establishment types will do their best to tell actors and athletes not to wield it, because then all the power stays with those who have money and influence and those people merely care about staying moneyed and influential.

Celebrity is an equalizing wild card and can come from anywhere. Elvis Presley grew up about as poor as anyone ever did and it’s that randomness that can shake things up.

Rich people want you to be like Tiger Woods. Never have an opinion stronger than “Charity is good” and keep earning.

Elvis actually spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to do with that power, and actively and laboriously wondered why he’d been chosen to wield such power. Essentially, other than giving away a ton of Cadillacs, he never did figure it out.

John Lennon was the one who seemed to be the first and best pop star to understand that power and what to do with it. The lengths that the Government went to shut him up (and they were successful for the most part) are as scary as anything in U.S. History. (Search: COINTELPRO).

Maher acknowledged that Brad Pitt seems to have a free pass to say whatever he wants, because America seems willing to always forgive him, but I really respect him coming out and speaking his mind, because in the long run that can only hurt him financially.

I long for the day when people understand that the celebrities, who cynically smile their way through commercial endorsement after commercial endorsement without an opinion in the world other than how great Diet Coke is (and it is), are the ones that deserve our scorn not the ones willing to have the courage of their convictions.

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Anything in italics is my nonsense. 

Eternal resting spot next to Marilyn Monroe to be auctioned

(AFP) – 2 days ago

LOS ANGELES — Want to spend eternity next to Marilyn Monroe? Now you can, because the burial spot located just above the ill-fated starlet is going on sale for a cool 500,000 dollars on auction website eBay.

I love pretty much any joke about Marilyn Monroe being the hottest woman in history. It’s pretty much assumed by almost all sane males that you would be willing to trade in anyone for Marilyn Monroe once you got to heaven. A few years ago I was writing in my book about how I would never marry a man like Paul McCartney, who was so obviously still insanely in love with his first wife. I wrote about how I liked to think that when you got to heaven that you would become yourself at your best stage. So here in this world, I was good looking for like a week before my hair started to fall out, but in heaven I would get to hit on Marilyn Monroe at my peak. I still wouldn’t have a chance, but we all like to dream – and that Arthur Miller thing (talented though he was) – always makes us think that maybe we’d have a outside shot at it.

Since then Heather and Paul divorced, probably for exactly that reason (if all three of them were in heaven, Paul would instantly go back to Linda). Also, Larry David concluded a season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, with exactly my scenario. He dies, gets his hair back, and finds out Marilyn is really into Seinfeld. Even odder, was the fact that my original observation about Paul was made referencing the episode of Curb, where Larry David refuses to commit to his wife for all of eternity. My line was something like, “I believe in love as much as anyone, but do you think I’m going to trade the chance to hit on Marilyn Monroe at my peak for some woman I met in Akron after my hair fell out?”

Nevertheless, in real life Marilyn was a total mess, but she was so hot that all smart men feel that with our special love and understanding that we could save her and prove to the world that we’re not with her purely for the fact that no one else in history has ever so oozed of sex. 

So if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie both died, Brad – known to be fond of trading up – would immediately hook up with Marilyn. Angelina might even donate him to her.

The tomb in the Westwood Village Memorial Park in Los Angeles is currently occupied by one Richard Poncher, who died 23 years ago aged 81, The Los Angeles Times reported.

But his widow is having his body moved over one spot and auctioning the site above Monroe’s, hoping to earn enough to pay off her 1.6-million-dollar Beverly Hills home.

That bitch! I’m pretty sure that being buried right on top of Marilyn Monroe doesn’t equal satisfaction in the afterlife, but if it does, Richard’s wife here in the present world just screwed him royally. It clearly meant something to this dude that he was going to be buried on top of Monroe, who had been dead for over 20 years by the time he was finally interred there. If she was going to get jealous after all this time, she should have said something when he bought his spot! Can you imagine if Richard has been spending the last 23 years partying with Marilyn, how much of a drag it is going to be to have that suddenly taken away. 

“Here is a once in a lifetime and into eternity opportunity to spend your eternal days directly above Marilyn Monroe,” the sale advertisement on the site says. Bidding starts at 500,000 dollars.

Elsie Poncher, who prefers not to give her age but admits she is over 70, told the Times that her husband, a successful business man, bought the crypt from baseball player Joe DiMaggio, Monroe’s ex-husband, in 1954.

Nice job Joe. She was pimped back and forth throughout her entire life by Frank Sinatra and various Kennedys, and Joe follows by pimping her out in the afterlife. 

Could you imagine how pissed you would be if your father, in addition to making you care for him during his last 20 or so infirm years on earth, suddenly spent your entire inheritance at the last second on being buried next to Marilyn?

Richard Poncher also bought the spot one space over, which is where Elsie plans to relocate him to open up the crypt above Monroe. For her part, the widower wants to be cremated when she dies.

Being buried close to Monroe has already proved a draw for some, with Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner purchasing a spot to the side of the sex-symbol’s for 75,000 dollars in 1992.

Of course he did, Hugh always knows where the action is. See the thousand other jokes I’ve made in my life about no man ever living a more enjoyable life than Hugh Hefner. (The Hefner/Shakespeare paradox – Would you rather be known forever as the greatest most prolific writer of all time, or instead live Hugh Hefner’s life?)  Presently, I’m 80-20 in the Hefner corner on this. When I was younger it was probably a dead heat, but I’ve hit some road bumps since then.

For those who do not have 500,000 dollars to spend on the space at the cemetery, which is also the final resting place for Natalie Wood, Truman Capote and Farrah Fawcett, there is still a free crypt space two spots above Monroe to the left.

Now that’s a party. Marilyn, Natalie, and Farrah – and the only dude to compete with is more interested in you. 

The going price for that spot is a mere 250,000

Here’s my final question. If you were Bill Gates wife, and he purchased the spot above Marilyn – how angry would you be? Now that kind of money is like pocket lint for Bill Gates – so money isn’t really the issue – but if I were Mrs. Gates, I’d be furious.

Linda McCartney was cremated and her ashes were scattered, so at least where they would all end up interred was never an issue for Heather and Paul.

As a completely irrelevant aside to all this nonsense. I’m never not amused by the image of Paul and Heather fighting over her wanting to use a bed pan in the middle of the night. I think I’d be the greatest most understanding husband of all time, but if I was Paul McCartney and worth a billion pounds or so, there’s no way in hell that I’d be that understanding.

 Update: My aunt says that Elsie is a wonderful woman and I have no reason to disagree 

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Wiseguy’s Ken Wahl in the Poor House

Do they have to sound so happy and amused by it?

This really hits home for me. Wiseguy is one of my all time favorite shows, and I really feel sad about what happened to Ken Wahl. He was in a motorcycle accident that ended his career and left him in constant pain that was apparently only assuaged by alcohol.

Wahl is suing his ex-wife Corinne Alphen for taking advantage of him. Corinne Alphen is, of course, my teen dream woman. I was able to relieve constant episodes of backed up sexual frustration thanks to Corinne’s Penthouse Pet of the Year days. What do you do when two of your favorite pop culture heroes clash?

I’m guessing that Ken’s semi-understandable alcoholism wasn’t any pleasure to deal with for Corinne, but I just hate to see Vinnie Terranova left in such an unenviable mess. Apparently, life just never lives up to your fantasies unless you are Brad Pitt or George Clooney.

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Time’s top 10

Supposedly, this is a tribute to Les Paul.

It’s pretty hard to fuck up a top ten list this badly, you have to really work hard.

Putting Slash at number 2 is a good start.

Leaving off Eddie Van Halen gets you very close to home.

This entry though seals the deal.

Yngwie Malmsteen

The Swede’s superfast “neo-Classical” style —he credits Bach and Paganini as influences—is a blur of scales and technical precision. It almost makes you forget that the great bulk of his music is so fast that it’s unlistenable.

Uh, if most of his music is unlistenable, then he isn’t a very good guitar player. This isn’t Guitar Hero – you don’t get masturbation points.

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