Katy Perry’s in Vogue!

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I just heard that Madonna said her new favorite song was Katy Perry’s “Ur So Gay.”

Quite the complement because Perry’s video for “I Kissed a Girl” isn’t just a slight Madonna homage, it’s practically a Madge’s greatest poses retrospective. Has any song not by Madonna been so cravenly and crassly produced as Katy’s video? The director has to be one of those guys Larry Flynt pays to make his porn look so classy.

Who participated in the most famous lesbian kiss of all time? You know the one that no one remembers also included Christina Aguilera.

Don’t significant portions of the song sound just like Madonna’s “Vogue” down to the very pulse of the pace?

Why wouldn’t Madonna be encouraging women to follow in her footsteps? 

Madonna: Way to go girl! Shake it. Those idiots will always spend money on lingerie, breasts, and non-threatening hints of Lesbianism!

She said the same thing about Britney for a while, but that didn’t end up so well. Britney was always stupid, but maybe Katy Perry isn’t. Who better to emulate career wise than Madonna? A new hot look for each album, gradually reeling your audience in slowly with escalating levels of sexuality carefully parceled out until you finally get down in print with your generation’s version of Vanilla Ice.

Where do these young, hot, willing to experiment with lesbianism, women hang out? I mean outside of backstage at a  Ellen Degeneres taping.

In Jill Sobule’s 1993, “I Kissed a Girl” there was little doubt that she not only kissed a girl, but had come with one.

Perry’s way coyer than that. She’s just hinting at lesbianism because she damn well knows that guys will buy it. In her update, she comes right out and talks about how she’s just “experimenting” to titillate her boyfriend. Most men like that a thousand times more than real lesbianism anyway. I say you go Katy!

Have fun and sleep around like Madonna. There isn’t a man alive wouldn’t do anything to live the male equivalent of Madonna’s life. She wasn’t hanging around with Jose Canseco for his eloquent conversational skills.

Imagine being able to just phone up any guy or girl in the world and invite them over to have sex and have them not only not hang up on you, but more than likely comply with your wishes. As far as we know, there is only one man alive who has spurned Madonna’s advances – Antonio Banderas in Truth or Dare, and we all know that as soon as those cameras went off he ran back to Madonna claiming he had just been playing hard to get.

There isn’t a married couple with a pre-nup in the world that hasn’t agreed to a Madonna clause stating that whichever part of the couple is called upon by Madonna, they are allowed to be her concubine for a month or two without harming the marriage in the slightest.

So here is my Madonna II masterplan for Katy.

2010: Go blonde

2012: Go Monroe blonde

2014: Appear topless in print

2016: Appear topless in print, but with your consent

2018: Appear topless on film

2020: Leak some early “movies” from your hard scrabble youth in which you appear topless, but “score” they were filmed 15 years ago when you were a down in the mouth desperate artist and more than willing to get down on film for some bread and exposure.

2020: Appear bottomless on film

From there, refuse to do the Chloe Sevigny Brown Bunny routine. That’s truly hard core and you are not really hardcore, are you Katy? Madonna didn’t either. She became a Rabbinical scholar, starting talking with a British accent. Purchased a title from the Royal Family and lived happily ever after!

Who knew the American dream was really all about making a lot of money in America and then moving back to the homeland of the people America revolted against in the first place. Now that, Alanis Morrisette, is irony! Or is it? No one alive anymore really knows what true irony is, not even Winona Ryder, not in Reality Bites and not when out on a shopping spree.

So good luck on being the next Madonna, Katy. My guess is that you’ll be needing to sleep with a lot of hot producers to pull off the musical end of the bargain, but my guess is also that your more than willing to do that. I am too, but no one has ever asked.  

One Response to “Katy Perry’s in Vogue!”

  1. LOL

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